"Something is clicking inside me, it's a different feeling. I knew I believed that Jesus is the son of God but to live for Him truly! And to guide others towards Him? It wants to pour out of me. I love Him so much it literally brings me to tears! I don't know why now? Why am I just now getting it? It's a deep heart connection and true love and it fills my whole entire body! I think about him constantly! I can't wait to get to Heaven to see Him and feel the huge amount of love and peace and happiness! I need it! I have to have it! Im scared for this feeling to fade, I don't want to be my old self again! I want to go back and shake the old Lindsey and explain it to her! I don't want to live for this world. I pray that he keeps filling me with his love and the Holy Spirit, I never want to be without it! Why did it take me so long to "get it"! Why doesn't everyone crave this and need this? I was baptized months ago but today is different, I feel like I truly flung the doors wide open today. How can I even explain it? My knowledge is so small, I have so much to learn, I'm not a perfect person and I never will be, but I believe God knows my heart and He will help teach me.  There are no words that fully describe this feeling! Stronger than the love you have for your own child, can you imagine that!? It's huge! I have prayed for this, to feel His immense love, for it to fill me! And He did! I want to keep it forever- I don't care if I sound crazy anymore. I'm so thankful its finally hitting me!  I didn't truly and honestly feel this till now, I thought I did. I was going through the motions like your suppose to... church, quiet time with God, watch what you say, what you do...But now I know I didn't get it at all!" It has been a long very up and down journey, Sara and I have been writing through all of it and the journey started with losing Shea. She sparked my interest, I had to know everything about where my sister is and who she is with. I want others to learn about Gods love and faithfulness! We want to share our journey with you! Sara and I want you to know how God can give you hope even in the deepest of valleys.

Through my brokenness God is making me new, here is how it all began for me exactly 9 months ago...

-Lindsey

august 24, 2016

I was at work when I got the call, something was very wrong with Shea. Very calmly, probably trying hard to not scare me, Josh said he found her unconscious, he doesn't know what's wrong and he was on his way to the ER. Shea was taken by ambulance. He told me I should probably head that way. I was absolutely in shock, it took me a second to process what I had just been told. I thought to myself that maybe she slipped and fell, Shea was definitely the clumsy type, or maybe she hadn't had anything to drink and she was dehydrated? Looking back now I feel so dumb that I even thought that. I can remember walking over to another stylist telling her about the phone call, she told me "Lindsey you need to leave now!"  It didn't register in my head yet that this was serious. I told my clients I needed to leave and I headed to my house calling my Dad and Sara on the way. Sara picked up the phone and she was breathing extremely heavy. I couldn't tell what was wrong with her, she said she had just gotten off the phone with our mom who was absolutely hysterical with the news of Shea. Sara was sprinting to get to her car so that she could go pick up mom to drive her to the ER since mom was in no state to be driving. Sara was 12 weeks pregnant and I was 14 weeks. We didn't plan that, but we know now God blessed us with these babies for a reason. I told her to please calm down! For your babies sake at least! Sara and mom would drive to Nashville to meet my dad at work and all ride together while Cody and I rode in a separate car. We were all headed on a long, painful, two and half hour trip to Chattanooga where Shea, Josh, and Eva had stayed the night before for an architect convention for Josh.

I can remember being oddly calm at first. I think my mind wouldn't let me have too many scary thoughts. I knew for sure she would be fine! And probably even before any of us got to her! I texted a few of my friends and told them to pray for Shea, I told them she was found unconscious and something is wrong but we weren't sure what was going on. Then I texted a friend of mine who works at the hospital where Shea had gotten her chemo and radiation treatments. I told her what was going on and asked her what it might could be. Her answer was honest and it scared me to death. She said it could be a blood clot in her lungs or possibly a tumor in her brain, but that it was unlikely since Shea had just had her full body PET scan two months prior, they told her she was cancer free and she has had no symptoms or signs of it coming back! I told Cody what she had said and he immediately told me not to even think of that! And to get that thought out of my head! It felt like just seconds later Josh called again. He told me they just found a very large tumor on Shea's brain. My heart sank hard!! The doctor said that she was brain dead, there was nothing they could do and surgery probably wouldn't help. Josh told them to try the surgery anyways and leave it in Gods hands. I know he wanted to feel like they tried everything they could. With my hands covering my mouth all I could say was "oh my god, oh my god", over and over under my breath. Nervously I asked him if he wanted me to tell mom and dad or wait till they got to the hospital. He felt like they should know now so that they are not shocked when they get there. I told him I would let them know and of course told Josh how sorry I was that he was there all by himself! He was holding their 8 month old sweet baby Eva in the waiting room. I felt speechless, like someone was punching me in my stomach. I couldn't even process in my mind what I had just been told. I got off the phone and was screaming crying on and off, the kind of cry that shakes your whole entire body. It's like I was a bipolar emotional disaster. My brain and heart wouldn't let me take it in all at once, one second I was just staring off in silence and the next second I was whaling out loud with my head between my knees repeating over and over "Please God don't take Shea! Please God heal her, take this away!  Dont take my sister! Don't take her away from her baby!" Cody was so worried about me being pregnant. Every time I got so upset that my whole body was shivering he would beg me to please try to calm down for the baby!! But I couldn't control it.

I had to call mom and dad next, how can I even tell them this?
Us 3 girls have always been daddy's girls. In our eyes he does no wrong and in his eyes we are just about perfect. He has the biggest spot in his heart for us. You can just see it when you talk to him, he lights up when he talks about his three girls. My mother loves us deeply and has always wanted to keep a tight hold on us to protect us. She has battled depression her whole life but the past 10 years it has gotten much worse. She has a special bond with Shea, she knew how to help mom the best. Shea was always so good with her and through Shea's chemo and radiation mom became even closer to her, wanting to protect her from everything she was going through. I worried about how she would handle this. How in the world will she be able to? She will literally break! I tried calling Sara first but it kept going straight to voicemail. So I called dad, I said it calmly at first but still crying. "Josh just called, the doctor said Shea is brain dead. They found a tumor and there's nothing they can do! He said very calmly "Ok Hunny!" ....I was confused...did he not hear me?! Louder this time almost screaming and still crying "Dad! Shea is braindead! She's not going to live! She's in surgery right now!" Very calmly again he said "ok Lindsey, I'm in the car with your mom and Sara and we're going as fast as we can ...I understood then, he didn't want to tell my mom. He knew he needed to sound calm to not scare her and make it worse. I could already hear mom yelling and crying in the background. Dads voice was cracking but he was trying so hard to be strong. We got off the phone.

Not long after Sara is texting me. She is in the backseat and she can see dads eyes in the rear view mirror. She said he's blinking a lot and they are watering. He keeps looking up to keep the tears from falling. I texted her back and told her to call me now! She knew it was bad but I don't think she thought it was that bad. I told her what was going on and that she needed to tell mom. I could tell she was taking deep breaths, her heart wouldn't let her take it all in at once either. I felt so bad not being in that car with them. Sara had to do that on her own while dealing with the pain herself. She couldn't call anyone because she didn't want to upset my parents more by talking about it. I felt like I needed to tell Shea's close friends and our cousins. I started texting and calling whoever I could think of. It was so hard to even remember everyone's names, my head was so confused I couldn't think straight. Cody had to help me remember who I might should call. I know I missed so many people but I just told each person to tell whoever they thought needed to know. Each one handled it so different. I know I shocked them and it was a short quick call that probably seemed so meaningless for what was actually going on. They were in absolute shock. Some crying and shouting out loud and some speechless. Shea LOVED BIG so she has a huge amount of friends and they all felt so close to her. She has a way of making each person she talks to feel so special, giving them everything she can offer! There is no way I could ever reach out to everyone who really had a close bond with her. There's no telling how many people that actually is!

I also called Mrs Cindy, she is a very special person in my life and once Shea found out she had cancer she became very special in her life too. She is a thoughtful, gifted, sweet, and tender hearted woman of God and a spiritual guide for us. She has helped us through some very hard times when we needed God and healing. Cindy immediately sent me prayers and verses to focus on, I was so thankful for that, when your mind is so jumbled and crazy in this kind of situation I loved getting things to help me keep my eyes on God. That's the only thing that made me feel better and made me feel like I was doing the right thing when there was truly nothing I could do.

We had some friends of ours in Chattanooga go to the ER and sit with Josh and Eva till we could get there. I didn't want him to be alone. What a terrible place and situation to be alone at. I was texting Sara back and forth not able to really talk on the phone with her cause she didn't want to upset mom and dad more. I would ask her how they were doing, how she was doing. She said mom was very hysterical and screaming and dad was driving crazy and very fast, going through every stoplight and stop sign with his flashers on. Cody held it together most of the time but then he would break down crying out of nowhere. I can still remember looking over at him, almost stunned. I knew it was really bad when he was falling apart too, he normally holds it together so well. I knew this was going to change us....me, my husband, my family, Shea's friends, and especially Josh and Eva. Everything was going to change in all of our lives.