I've learned that grieving isn't a one size fits all kind of thing. Each of us are grieving over the loss of Shea so differently. Some through denial or anger. Some through tears and depression. Honestly, I pushed it down deep. I pushed my hurt and worries, my sadness and anger down so that I wouldn't feel it. You could probably sum it up as "numb." I know Lindsey, Chad, and close friends were worried about me- why I didn't talk about it.. why I wasn't more upset. I focused all of my energy on trying to be a happy teacher for my students, writing papers and finishing my masters degree, planning the baby's room, or playing with Kinsley and Mack. I was trying to fill a void by staying busy. I had to push my feelings down or at least that is what I thought. Someone once told me I was being so strong, but I didn't feel strong- I felt weak. Too weak to let it out. Too scared to feel what it was going to be like without her. Even at this moment, I am nervous to share this with you all- to share how scared I was- how alone I felt.
It wasn't until later on in my pregnancy, 5 months after Shea passed away, that I was forced to feel. I was put on bedrest due to complications with my pregnancy and I had nothing but time to think. I had just graduated, so no more papers. No more teaching, lesson plans, or grading papers. The kids were still in school- so during the day the house was quiet, so quiet. At first I saw this time as "house arrest"... a boring time to watch Netflix and fill those pregnancy cravings! But God had a different plan for me- what a blessing that bedrest was. God gave me time to heal- time to grieve- time to cry- time to feel. It wasn't until a few weeks into my bedrest that I was enjoying how quiet the house was- I was learning how to be still and listen. That's when I started to write- I started sharing how I was feeling with this little blue notebook. So many people had told me to write about how I was feeling for months, but it wasn't until then that I actually did it. Through those quiet moments with God, I was able to process what had happened months before. I dug all those feelings up and let them pour out of me.
This is the most intimate and personal experience my family has ever gone through, but this isn’t my story to share- it is God's. I pray He uses me... He guides my hands as I type to share with you each week how our lives changed that day. Not to make you feel bad or pity or even sad- but to show you GOD IS REAL.
"God will never give you more than you can handle"... I had heard that before, but it’s a little easier to say that than experience it. I for sure thought losing Shea was more than we could handle. I didn’t think we would ever make it- when you think about losing anyone in your family... you can't imagine how you will survive, find joy, or even smile again. God saw me there, in that deep, dark valley, but (spoiler alert) He is working on bringing me out of it...
Last week Lindsey shared her heart with you and what she began experiencing on August 24th. This week, I would like to share what I experienced during those same hours. Today's post is from my journal, a few weeks after I started writing, when I finally sat down to think about all the little details of what happened that day-
Well- here I am at 2:57 am… thoughts are pouring into my head and heart as I think back about that day. As a new mommy to our third child- I can’t imagine wanting to do anything but sleep right now. It's crazy timing- Elsie’s little tummy has been hurting all night as we move her from breastmilk to formula and then Mack woke up about an hour ago throwing up all over himself and the couch. I should be sleeping, but my mind is racing with what happened that day.
I was sitting at my small group table at school- teaching reading skills to a group of 4 students not knowing my phone would be ringing as it sat on silent on my desk. I had a difficult morning with one of my students- even had to ask our administration to come in to help me out. This day had not started off super awesome, but in my mind I thought it could only get better from here. It was 9:45 now and my students were off to specials. I went back into my room to sort papers into their mailboxes. I snacked on my yogurt and pop tart as I looked through their graded work to be sent home. At this time, I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I remember I was wearing a black and white striped shirt that still covered my little belly bump at the time. I was wearing black pants, that were SO NOT maternity. I had done that little trick with the rubber band to loop around the button to give me a little extra space. It seems so silly and trivial now- but that was one of my biggest concerns that morning- my uncomfortable pants. Isn't it crazy how a day can start off? What you think will happen- your schedule- the list of "to-dos" you want to accomplish. We rush rush rush to check things off our lists, but then all of these things can seem so very not important in an instant.
I was back with my students, we had snack, taught more reading, and now it was time for recess! As I asked the students to line up, I went over to my desk to grab my phone and other recess gear. As the students were getting the outdoor toys - I looked down at my phone and saw 5 missed calls. All of these calls were from Josh, Lindsey, and Cody- my heart sank. Why would they call when they know I am at school? As I told the students to head outside, we made our way into the hallway- I looked over at my teaching partner, Annie, and told her I needed to call them back. She took all the kids outside for me as I pushed Cody’s name to call back since he was the last one that tried to call. He answered so quickly. His voice sounded so worried. As I walked towards the outside door it was like an out of body experience.. really.
I was listening to Cody tell me that Shea was found unconscious, I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Honestly, my mind went straight to Shea being a little clumsy sometimes and maybe she accidentally fell and just knocked herself out for a minute or maybe her blood sugar got low or something.. Something that could easily be fixed and we would be talking to her about it later. Our conversation was brief- but he told me that they didn’t know much or how bad anything was, but he was meeting Lindsey and then they would be heading down to Chattanooga. I continued to walk outside and I sat down on the bench next to Annie. I didn’t even know what to think- I was in shock. I sat there for a few seconds and told Annie what Cody had said. She immediately said, “Sara you need to go- you need to go to Chattanooga!"
I started to nod my head, yes.. “You’re right- I need to go.. I need to go.. “ I said as I still couldn't really digest what was happening. As I ran back inside my heart and anxiety started pumping. I grabbed my purse and keys and ran towards the front of the building. Looking for our principal, I needed to tell her that I had to leave. I was so out of breathe at this point- tears were streaming down my face. I found her and told her what I knew- she walked with me towards the front doors- trying to help me calm down and catch my breathe. Reminding me to stay calm for the baby.
I ran- ran as fast as I could towards my car. From where I was, I had to pass the playground that my students were at. Come to find out later- one of the boys in my class had told everyone I was going into labor and you have to run because you have to get to the hospital quickly.
I got into my car and called Lindsey. I could barely talk, I was so out of breathe. She tried to calm me down too- asked me to drive over to mom and dad’s house to help mom pack. I was in panic mode at this point. I couldn’t imagine how mom was going to be. She has never been able to handle stress very easily, how was she going to react to this? Their house was literally 1 minute from my school- I raced down their gravel driveway and ran up onto the back porch.
As I ran up the stairs I could see our Great Grandmother standing there. She was living with mom and dad at the time- she looked so worried and terrified when I walked in. I immediately tried to hide how I was feeling. She was so fragile and I didn't want to add to her anxiety.
Frantic-Mom was frantic. Trying to pull random things together. “Call your dad- call your dad,” she kept saying. So I did and he answered so quickly- since he was at work in Nashville we made plans for him to drive towards Clarksville and I would start the drive towards him to meet. We would ride together in his truck and leave my car at an exit. Dad seemed calm, so strong, on the phone, but I could hear in his voice he was nervous, he was worried too. I tried to finish helping mom gather up her things and I kissed Grandmama goodbye- I tried to reassure her that I would take care of mom and then hugged her. Little did I know- I wouldn't see her again until I was standing at my sister's funeral.
I got back into the car with mom and she was swaying back and forth in tears- shaking- at times screaming. That was such a hard time- trying to remain calm and be as strong as I could, trying to calm mom down, and drive. I pushed my emotions and feelings down as deep as I could. I had to focus on driving and taking care of mom.
Lindsey and Cody were getting ready to leave Clarksville too- we ended up being able to meet Dad at exit 24. Mom and I got there just minutes before him- as I parked next to the Dunkin' Donuts, I grabbed all of our things and stood outside the car- looking for dad's truck. Mom opened the car door and could barely stand. She was shaking and couldn't really think straight. Dad pulled into the parking lot fast and got out to help mom walk to the car. I sat down in the middle of the backseat of dad’s truck - Whew. Crazy to think about how much your life and family can change in one day- in one car ride- in one moment.
“TEACH US TO NUMBER OUR DAYS THAT WE MAY GAIN A HEART OF WISDOM.”
Dad quickly pulled out of the parking lot and onto the interstate. He was concerned about how far away we were- how long it would take to get there. I began looking up the hospital on my phone to get directions and an estimated time, but at the rate dad was driving- we would be there a lot faster.
I’ll never forget that car ride. I don't think I was truly processing what was going on. I was so concerned with directions and talking to mom- watching the road as dad weaved in and out of cars. I was trying to make plans for someone to get Kinsley and Mack too. I kept trying to call Chad- this was probably the 5th or 6th time I tried to call, but I totally forgot he was sitting in an interview for a new job. He had no idea what was happening yet.
While in the truck, I continued to text Lindsey to get updates because I couldn't talk on the phone with mom so upset. Lindsey was relaying the information she was getting. At this point, we still weren't sure what was going on.. I decided to try and call Shea's doctor to see if they would look over her scans one more time- did they see anything that they might have missed or maybe they might know of something to look for??
With a lot of googling and connected calls through St. Thomas Hospital, I was finally in touch with his office. I couldn't hold back the tears as I told the receptionist that I was Shea's sister and they had found her unconscious. The lady broke down in tears and went to go get Shea's doctor, sweet Dr. Stany. As I began talking to him, I could hear the concern in his voice- he cared so much for Shea and had really created a close relationship with her. At that time, we weren't sure if her being found unconscious was part of the rare aggressive cancer, small cell endocrine carcinoma, that she had been fighting for months- the cancer we all thought she was free and clear of. He said to please keep him updated and he would go back and look through her scans to see if there was anything- but there wasn't.
The car ride continued- Lindsey text me to let me know that Josh asked them to do surgery because they found a brain tumor on her right side- he asked them to try whatever they could to save her. I just couldn't understand- why would Shea have a brain tumor now? She just had a PET scan less than 2 months ago and was all clear. Each time I got new information, I had to tell mom and dad. Whew- that was awful. I tried so hard to push back my tears to say the words. Mom was getting more and more upset, I was really worried she was going to have a heart attack, and Daddy would begin to cry- tearing up as he drove and then rub his eyes quickly to see.
A few minutes passed and I heard dad's phone ring and he quickly answered- at the time I had no idea it was Lindsey- she was calling to try and tell dad the news.
Dad didn't say anything to us about it. He snapped his old flip phone shut and put it back into his work shirt pocket. I just assumed it was someone calling to check in or get an update from him. Then, Lindsey text me and told me to CALL HER! I did and she answered in tears, bawling crying. She could barely speak-it was so hard for her to even tell me.
"Sara- you have to tell mom."
"Sara- Shea is brain dead."
..... still today- even thinking about that phone call makes me shake. Makes my heart hurt. Makes everything stop. How was I going to process this, let alone- tell mom this about her first baby girl.
I remember taking a really deep breathe and tears started flowing down my face as I worked up the courage and strength to tell her. I wanted to throw up.
"Mom.... Lindsey said she talked to Josh and the doctors said...." (I couldn't even get it out).
"The doctors said Shea is brain dead."
I can still see mom's face as she whipped around, yelling "WHAT!" I can still hear mom crying out to Shea. I’ll never forget hearing mom scream and yell Shea’s name over and over again. I’ll never forget watching dad’s eyes tear up in the rearview mirror. Dad kept telling mom to calm down, that she was scaring me and making it hard on my baby. Even in his own pain and heartache- the agony he must have felt- he stayed so strong.
“God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ”
He was driving so fast- he wanted to be there with her so badly. As we were getting closer to Chattanooga, he saw a sheriff’s truck on the side of the road and pulled off to ask if he could lead the way and help us get to the hospital quicker, but the sheriff said no and we continued on.
As we got to downtown Chattanooga, dad raced through town, not stopping at any red lights... just pushing and pushing to get there as fast as he could. My stomach was in knots- I was so nervous. We arrived at Erlanger Hospital and pulled up to the Emergency Room Doors. My heart was racing. Mom was just about half-way out of the truck before dad fully stopped. He dropped off mom and I at the door, and he went to go park the truck. As we walked in, I saw friends of ours who had come to the hospital to help Josh with Eva. I thanked them for coming as they pointed us towards the room that Josh and Eva were sitting in.
Oh-that room. It was kind of room you don’t ever want to be put in. The kind of room that bad news is shared in. The kind of room that we were in.
Josh and sweet Eva were sitting there alone- he was trying to play and keep Eva happy through one of the most difficult times in his life. Little Eva was about 8 months old at that time- just a beautiful, precious baby. Just a few minutes later we were all there- waiting to hear from the doctor- so anxiously waiting to hear about our Shea.
When I think back to those moments I have shared with you today, I can still feel the sadness that surrounded us. I have come to realize through my continued healing that God was there with us- in dad's truck, in that small waiting room, at that hospital. In our "darkest" time, he loved us. God did not take Shea away from us to be mean- He did not put this pain and hurt into our hearts to punish us. Thinking and feeling this way is where a lot of people are stuck after a loss- they are angry at God and they question why He did this. I was there too, but He is slowly bringing me out of that darkness. Even now, I still have to focus on His love and His faithfulness. I pray that He guards my heart, soul, and mind from those thoughts and gives us peace and comfort. I try to remind myself of Romans 12:21- "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Something so tragic and horrible, something we never thought would happen-God is turning around to accomplish good for His purpose.
