LINDSEY
Before you could see how God is guiding me forward I felt like I needed to show where I've been, I know the details of the hospital are not pleasant to read, but it shook me to my core and is the reason for why I truly grabbed onto God with everything I have. If it wasn't for God I would still be crippled with grief. I felt like if we shared what we as sisters went through then it might help you understand our journey better. And to be honest I asked myself why keep that to myself? What good does that do? So I can "look perfect" like me and my family have it all together? Nope we don't... and that's okay, it's okay to not always put out an image of perfection. I pray that through our grief and pain someone else might be healed, decide to open up, or grab onto God also. I pray that Shea's death wasn't for nothing. I pray that lives continue to change because the light that she shined and God's undeniable love.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
I want to share with you one of the many reasons why I decided to do this blog. In the beginning of my grieving process I had many many dreams with Shea in them. I loved seeing her again and when I woke up I was so upset just begging God to let me fall back asleep so that I could get another a glance at her. I would wake up and write every detail down so that I would never forget. Most of them were so sad, I would be bawling crying to the point where I fell to the ground in fetal position or dreams where my family was falling apart with sorrow and grief and she would be there holding me close and repeating over and over again "I'm sorry baby sister". But there was one dream that truly stood out to me, it was different from all the others. In this dream I felt like she was giving me a message, I felt like I was suppose to hear this for some reason. I think back now that maybe God tried many times to tell me this, but I wasn't really listening? At that point in my faith I was more worried about Shea than God and sometimes I would even find myself crying and praying to her instead of HIM. Maybe he knew at that time in my life that if Shea told me then I would listen so intently.
In my dream Shea was telling me about heaven, how beautiful and amazing it is there. I asked Shea about three specific people that we both knew that had passed away before her. One by one I asked her if they were in heaven with her. For one of them she shook her head yes, and the other two she looked so sad and shook her head no. I was shocked in my dream at what she was telling me, especially because they definitely seemed like the "type" of people who would totally make it to heaven?! Then I asked her "Shea, can you tell who is going to make it to heaven with you one day?" She shook her head yes and then I asked "Shea will our whole family be there with you?" She shook her head no and looked so sad again. I started to panic and asked her "tell me what to do Shea!! tell me how to get all of us there with you!" And she told me "you need to look different from everybody else, as a Christian you need to stand out, be more like the obvious ones." She then gave me three examples of people in my life that "stand out" to me. And in my eyes they stand out for all the right reasons! I think Shea knew I would understand what she meant if she named off these three women. After that I talked to Shea about how I was getting baptized soon, we hugged goodbye and I cried very hard again just like the other dreams. When I woke up from these dreams I would have tears coming down my face and my whole body would be shaking like how it does when you cry so much it hurts.
I didn't realize this till I wrote this post, but looking back at my journal this was my 8th dream with her in it....after my 6th dream with her I wrote down in my journal, "I woke up thanking God and Shea for letting me see her and I told Shea if there is anything she wants me to tell anyone she can tell me in my dreams and I'll do it."
How amazing!? I realize some people may say it's just a dream, and don't believe it. And that makes me so sad for them...where is our faith in God? I completely believe he will use my sister to reach me at my weakest moments. Every single word of that dream might not be true, I won't know what every bit truly means until I get to heaven myself. But when I go back to the Bible to verify what she said, I can't help but think she was meant to give that message and I am suppose to share it with anyone that will listen!
What does that even look like? To stand out as a Christian and look different? When I think about what stands out to me with those three women that she used as examples I see:
Faith filled- everything they do, they turn to God first. They follow his guidance and don't move forward until he allows them to- they depend on him daily! Hourly! Literally live and breathe him....He is in complete control of their lives. These women have a PERSONAL relationship with God.
Spirit filled- they LOVE GOD down to their core, the kind of love that could bring them to tears if they talk about it enough. The Holy Spirit is so alive in them that they are able to guard their heart, their words, and their actions. That's something that I believe only the Holy Spirit can help us do- I don't believe on our own we are capable of that. When they talk about God you can see the passion and fire inside them being let loose. They are the ones at church that totally have their hands waving high in the air, crying, or smiling to the music and don't care at all what anyone thinks. They are so happy to truly worship God.
Gods perfect peace- these women exude peace and joy and calm even though they all face some of the heaviest of trials in their life. They by no means have it easy, but the weight of the world does not lay on their shoulders. They are not easily shaken, they know HE is in control and they lay their worries and cares at God's feet! When anger, jealousy, bitterness, or any other evil Spirit creeps its way in they do not "take the bait!" They shut down the enemy before it even gets in, they see it coming and stop it! When gossip or drama is brought to them they do not pass it on to someone else and instead of stirring it up bigger they direct them towards God so they too can have his peace again.
God loving- not only do they have a love for HIM that withstands anything, they have a love for others! Spending hours and hours with a total stranger or a friend, teaching them the word, listening to someone else's struggles day after day and guiding them towards Christ. They show so much love and grace to people. They truly have a heart for others. They are not quick to judge. They are accepting and loving to everyone. They look beyond what's on the outside of a person, they don't see the "mess" or the "perfection", they truly see their heart. They are gracious, kind, and genuine even to those who have hurt them down to their core. They are able to forgive as they have been forgiven
God's Disciples- they put in so much love and effort into spreading God's word. Their gifts are not the material things that they are able to buy-it is the time and effort and prayer that they are able to give to each person that needs it. They need no recognition for it- they know that they are doing God's work and that HE sees all.
Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Mathew 7:21
I look at this and try to think about which characteristics I have and don't have, what do I need to pray for God to help me with? As we grow closer with God, the Holy Spirit helps us to look more like him and have Christlike characteristics. Every day that I spend time with God I can feel him slowly changing me, transforming my thoughts, feelings and actions to how HE wants me to be. I watched as HE did this to Shea also, through her cancer diagnosis I saw how she gripped to God tighter than ever and I noticed Him transforming her completely. At the time I didn't really know why? I thought maybe it was because of the cancer? I'm sure that's the most shocking thing she's ever heard and that alone could change a person, but now I see HE was transforming her, giving her new eyes and opening her heart even bigger than it already was. It was so beautiful to watch as a little sister. I looked up to her strength so much but now I see that it came from HIM.
I started writing very shortly after Shea passed and when I realized sharing my journey and stepping out in faith is what God wanted me to do. I was so nervous and fought it for so long! I argued and begged with GOD for months and months to please let someone else do this!
I am not the right person.
I barely know anything.
What in the world could I teach or help someone with.
I'm still so new in my walk.
People will doubt me.
People will talk about me.
People will think I just want attention
People will judge me from how I use to be
There are a million people who know way more than I do
I will make a TON of mistakes.
I prayed and prayed about it and one morning I woke up and felt a huge amount of peace...After spending time with HIM day after day and leaning on HIM for my needs, I realized I had fallen in complete love with God and I finally had the peace that only HE can give me! I felt like HE said to me..are you going to fear God or fear man? .... Ok God! That's all you have to say! He is my strength, He has a plan for this, He is giving me the words and the feelings that I have. I pray that this helps someone and even if that's just me, I'll totally take it! Im stepping out in faith and trusting God and like Shea said, doing my best to "stand out" as a Christian .....well, I hope this "looks different" enough for you Shea :)
