Sara
When we started planning for Shea's funeral, a part of me was thankful for the distraction. I was able to throw myself into the details, planning, running errands or meeting to make decisions- there wasn't time to really "think" about what had just happened. Shea was such a talented and creative person, so detailed oriented- everything she created or designed was always so beautiful and carried out with so much thought. One of Shea's favorite parts about a wedding was the invitation, she even kept a box of her favorites in her office. She always loved a great letter press or the special details. We wanted her funeral- her celebration of life- to be the same way. We are so thankful to all of the people who worked tirelessly in the days leading up to the visitation and funeral. Everything from the hundreds of photos that were used to create the slideshow and videos, to the wildflowers, succulents and garden grown arrangements made for her casket and pallbearers, to the fonts, design, and wording of her programs, or the clips from home videos used in collaboration with her wedding footage to create an incredible video. Every detail was so carefully decided with the only the thought of what would honor Shea. What flowers, music, pictures, or fonts would she have chosen in her everyday life. So many people were helping us get her funeral ready, but one of the parts of planning the funeral that Lindsey and I knew we wanted to take care of was getting her ready.
Lindsey
It came time to pick out her outfit that she would wear in her casket. I think being so busy with all the tasks we needed to do helped us not feel the emotion and reality of her actually being gone. We had a specific outfit in mind, she wore it at her baby shower. It was a white fitted dress with a long lace white cardigan over it. I can still remember helping her shop for this outfit and I remember when my great grandmother saw her wearing it at the baby shower she commented how it looked like something I would wear and not Shea. It makes me smile thinking back because she trusted me much more than I knew when it came to clothes. I would have never thought when I helped pick it out that she would be wearing it again one day at her funeral, but I couldn't think of anything more beautiful and special for her. She was an angel now and in my mind this is definitely something close to what I thought an angel would wear :) We searched and searched through all her clothes in her closet looking for it. I can remember taking deep breaths over and over trying to not cry and praying in my mind for God to give me HIS peace and strength. We would lean our faces into her clothes, breathing them in just to remember her specific scent. We picked one of her favorite scarves to wrap her head, it was a beautiful turquoise floral print. Her hair was only maybe an inch long, it had just started growing back before she passed. She never loved wearing her wig anyway and she looked and felt beautiful with no hair at all. Then we looked through all her special jewelry to find a vintage pair of earrings for her and we grabbed her nail polish bag to match the color that was on her toes so I could paint her fingernails while Sara did the makeup. As a hairstylist I knew the day would come when I would have to help fix someone's hair after they pass. I would think about my older clients and wonder if I would have the strength and courage to do something like that. I never once thought my sister at age 34 would be my first expierience at this. I now think about it so differently.
Sara
Lindsey, Shea, and I had the amazing opportunity to work together on many weddings. Lindsey was the hairstylist, I was the make up artist, and Shea was the photographer. Being able to be a part of a couple's special day and spend that time with my sisters, doing something we loved, is something I'll never forget. It was so rare and so special. Doing Shea's make up was something I knew that I had to do, but I was so scared to think about it. I had never done anything like this before. I was so nervous about how I would feel- would I be able to finish it? What would she would look like? But most of all, I was anxious about how it would feel to touch her skin. I've done Shea's make up many times, but this would be so different. Shea was so full of life and warmth, the redness in her cheeks, and all of the tiny freckles across her nose. I wanted to remember her that way.
Being able to get through this- to do her make up was something that I knew I was going to need help with. I was so anxious about it- sometimes even felt sick to my stomach, but there was no way I wanted anyone else to do her makeup for the last time. When we returned home from Chattanooga, a couple of my close friends asked how they could help. Sometimes it was so hard to think of what to tell people you need help with. There were lots of things that I needed help with, but when someone asked, "how can I help?" I almost felt bad for giving them something- like it was a burden on them. But at that moment, when they asked, I knew exactly what I needed help with.
“Pray without ceasing.”
I needed prayer-a specific prayer. I needed those friends to pray for me to have peace and strength, to stay calm and have a steady hand when the time came to get her ready. Over the next few days I prayed specifically for that- I prayed so hard that God would give me the strength to stand, and that he would help me make her look like herself. I wanted her to look like our Shea.
Prayer. What is Prayer? The definition says it is any word or thought directed in faith toward God. Ever since I was a little girl, I have believed in and practiced praying. I was taught at a young age to bow my head and fold my hands together. Close my eyes and begin with "Dear Lord" and end with "In Jesus Name, Amen." I was taught that this is how you can thank God for things in your life or ask him for help when needed. I am so thankful for those foundational beliefs instilled in me then, but my view on prayer has evolved over the past year. Throughout this time I have been at my lowest of lows, but also joyfully experienced some of the most amazing moments in my life. But even through all of this- I have become in awe that I can have a conversation with my creator- the same Holy God that made the Heavens and the Earth. I mean- think about that for a minute. That is CRAZY AMAZING. You can talk to the same person who healed the blind and turned water into wine- that put every star in the sky- that saved three men from a burning fire or allowed a boy to take down a giant with a small stone. You are truly in his presence. WOW. You are in the presence of GOD.
What I love most about prayer is that everyone and anyone can do this. If you can think or talk- you have the ability to communicate with our God. It doesn't have to be this poetic prayer or done in front of other people. It is just between you and Him. It is raw, unedited, and honest. He knows you. He knows your heart. He wants you to share it with Him.
Prayer has made me more honest and so much more humble. I cannot hide anything from Him, my soul is open and bare. It has opened my eyes to the areas I have sinned and need his forgiveness and his strength. It has changed how I think about making decisions for myself, or as a family. Now instead of reacting quickly with a YES, I try to pause and pray about it. Prayer has opened my eyes to his presence in my daily life - in those everyday things that I need to thank him for. Prayer has changed me.
“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”
Lindsey
We get to the funeral home and the director walks us to a door that looks like it would just be a closet. He told us Shea was in there. Before he opened the door dad asked him to double check and make sure her head was covered with the scarf we had sent for her. He knew we were nervous to see the scars and staples on her head from her surgery, we only saw her head all wrapped up in the hospital because we didn't want to remember Shea like that. Pointing to Sara and I, dad said to the director, "Now you know both of these two girls are pregnant, we don't want to upset them." I thought that was so thoughtful of dad and I could tell he was worried about us doing this. He thought this might stress us or the babies too much.
He opened the door and we took a deep breath, as we walked in. I got a glance at Shea. It was a small room and she was laying on a silver rolling bed. She had on the white dress and lace cardigan that we had brought for her, it was hard because the last time I saw her wearing that she was at her happiest, so full of joy and excitement at her baby shower. She looked nothing like Shea to me, I panicked and turned around. Everyone else went in except me and dad, the door shut behind them, I couldn't make myself go in yet. Dad hugged me and I repeated over and over "it doesn't look like her! I don't like this!" I cried and dad kept reassuring me that I didn't have to do it. I couldn't let Sara go through this by herself, she was being so strong. After he calmed me down, Dad and I went inside, I walked in slowly keeping my hands covering my face, barely letting my eyes look in the beginning. Her neck was so swollen from the hospital and she had a different kind of smell that I will never forget. We all talked for a minute about how it looked nothing like the Shea that we knew, and how upset we thought it might make mom to see her like this. But Sara wanted to fix her up as best as we could and then make a decision on whether or not to have an open casket. She began putting on her make up, just touching her body alone was very difficult, the feeling of the skin made me cringe. But I think it helped us that we didn't feel like it was Shea. This was her shell and without her soul inside it seemed nothing like her. We just had to get use to a whole new feeling we had never felt before.
Sara and I knew there were many people praying for us that morning. They knew we were going to be doing this and we could tell that there was a peace in that room. It was like all the sudden a calm from God came over us. After working up some courage I began to paint Shea's nails. We had her bag of nail polishes so I checked her toes to see which color she had picked last and I did her fingernails the same. I tried very hard to paint them without touching or moving her hands or fingers too much, I hated the way she felt and I didn't want to remember the stiff and cold feeling. Sara was being so strong and doing such and good job on her makeup, she was starting to look a little more like Shea.
The sisterly bond definitely started to show, we adjusted her clothes and bra and even plucked a neck hair, which the three of us always called each other out on. We smiled at the thought of Shea watching over us doing that for her and we told her she owed us big time when we get to heaven :) Her scarf was on but not the way Shea always wore it so the director helped us as we lifted her head, refolded it and retied it to how it always looked before. Like many other things we did to get ready for the funeral, this was a labor of love and something only God could possibly give us the strength to do. It wasn't easy by any means but we did it because we love our sister so much.
“Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”
Sara
That day was for the first time, I really ever remember feeling the true power of prayer. Really feeling like God had me. He was there- guiding me and protecting my heart and soul. It was the most overwhelmingly warm and calm feeling and its so hard to explain. I could honestly feel that people were praying for us. I could feel His peace.
As we all walked into the funeral home to get Shea ready, I felt so calm, so quiet. Of course I was nervous about what Shea was going to look like, but it was not at all the way that I had felt anxious and scared in the days before. While we walked to her room they started telling me how they had already prepped Shea and she was ready for her makeup. She tried to caution us though that she would look very different and that she would look more like herself when we were finished.
I can remember walking into that room- the room Shea was lying in, Lindsey was in front of me. The funeral director opened the door and Lindsey began to walk in, but quickly turned around starting to cry. She shook her head and stepped back into the hallway with Dad. My heart sank- I couldn't see Shea yet, but from Lindsey's reaction I wasn't sure if this was a good idea. I'll be honest- my first reaction was shock. I immediately took a deep breath, then another. I looked around the small room for a place to set my makeup case down at and began unpacking the supplies I would need. I walked over to Shea's right side- and stared at her. Just looking at my sweet sister, trying to plan how I would start her makeup- how would I begin to make her look more like herself again.
As we prepared our sister for her funeral-I didn't cry. I didn't feel the anxiety in my chest anymore and my hands weren't shaking as I had anticipated. I felt- still, not like frozen, but still as in calm. I tried to do her makeup with the utmost attention to every detail- every stroke of each brush had to be perfect and precise. I didn't want to make any mistakes that would have to be removed or fixed. I was slow and totally focused on her.
Before we finished that day, we sprayed her with her honeysuckle perfume. We had gotten it from the Barn Sale earlier in the Spring and Shea was so excited about using it after chemo. She even bought a few candles too! I don't think we will ever be able to forget that smell. Well, at first we loved this honeysuckle spray and wanted any bottle of it we could find, but as time went on it made us sad to smell it. Lindsey and I have tried putting those perfume bottles in baggies in the back of our closets or cabinets, but the scent still lingers out sometimes. I did some research on why smells trigger memories - just being curious on why this happens. It said that it has to do with how and where our brain processes smells. This same area of our brain also handles memory and emotion. Just a whiff of something and it can take you back to that moment or person. When I do catch the scent- it is so hard. It puts me right back in the church at her funeral- all the memories of her death come flooding back, yet we still want to keep those bottles - they're so precious to us.
Lindsey
Through this experience we are learning how important it is to pray for others, just like our close friends did for us that day. I use to think that my prayers really didn't mean anything or get anywhere, and I wouldn't truly take the time needed to do it. Sometimes, I would rush through a prayer quickly just to be able to say to that person, "I'm praying for you!" .....He is in charge right? Or do I still think I am? Do I still think I can control how this life will go? Do I still think I can fix mine and everyone else's problems on my own? I believe my prayers do matter now. It might not be instant satisfaction like we want, but God is always at work. Even if it takes much longer than we think it should. Even if it's not exactly what we have prayed for. Now that HE has opened my eyes I can see prayers working-slowly in HIS timing, I can see HIM at work through myself and others. It can be such a helpless feeling to not be able to DO anything for someone in a time of need, but really... that should be the most important thing we do to help someone- to talk to God about it.
