The thought that Shea wasn't going to make it was becoming our reality. We were in our last hours with her here on Earth. In overwhelming sadness and shock, we knew we couldn't handle this on our own. We turned to God for comfort, but we also began learning about the love and peace we would find in The Holy Spirit.
Lindsey
While sitting in the ICU, we thought about Shea's things back at the hotel. How precious her "things" are now. We noticed her jewelry wasn't on her body and asked the nurses if they had taken it off for the surgery. They were able to find a toe ring that she had on. One that mom and Sara and I all had on too, we got it over 15 years ago while we were on a beach vacation one year. And then Josh remembered that Shea usually takes off her wedding rings while getting ready. We sent Cody to the hotel room where Josh found Shea, to pack up all their stuff and make sure he got her rings. Cody said it was a hard sight to see. All of her things laying out, you could tell she was getting ready when it happened. I still can not imagine what Josh went through that morning, to find his wife like that. He will never be able to get that out of his head. The rest of us didn't have to see her like that. I picture the way she was probably laying when he found her on the bathroom floor and then seeing strangers push her on a stretcher down the hotel hall while he holds Eva. It's not fair he will have to live with that image for the rest of his life.
When Cody came back he brought us some food, no one felt like eating, but with Sara and I being pregnant and Josh a diabetic we needed to. I hadn't had anything all day and the thought of eating honestly sounded so unappealing. I remember thinking if Shea can't eat then I shouldn't either! I felt guilty for it. But I knew it put Cody at ease if I would just put something in my stomach- for the baby at least. Josh's friends and us took turns with Eva that night as it got late, trying to stroll her around the hospital halls and get her to sleep, but she was wide awake, just laughing and smiling. She was the best baby that day. It's like she knew what we all needed. We decided it would be best if Sara, Chad, Cody and I went and got a new hotel room and brought Eva with us so that she could get a decent night's sleep. We kissed Shea good night, hugged everyone goodbye, and grabbed Eva's things, We finally found a hotel around 1am and unloaded our things into the room. It was so hard to go through Eva's bags and see everything Shea had packed for her- bathing suits to take her swimming that weekend and cute outfits complete with matching headbands. It was the first time that Sara and I felt Shea's void..in that hotel room, trying to take care of her baby.
A mother knows the exact way her baby wants to be held, how warm she wants her bottle, what blankets she likes. Sara and I swapped Eva back and forth that night doing our best to comfort her like Shea would have. As her mother, she would have known exactly what Eva wanted. But it was nothing we could give her, Eva probably just wanted her own mommy. We all laid down after finally getting her to sleep in the pack n play. I laid in that bed crying and praying. Quiet enough that no one could hear me. A part of me still hoped that something amazing was going to happen the next day. That Shea would wake up and be healed and this would all be a horrible dream. And the other part of me knew that her soul was already in Heaven. I wondered if Shea could see us and everything we were all going through. She would have known exactly how to handle all of this. Sara and I would have looked to her to show us what to do.
Sara
It feels like that night just happened. I don't think any of us knew what to think about everything that had happened that day. We were all still in such shock. We didn't really talk about it a lot- Lindsey and I were trying to get Eva to sleep. We darkened the room and turned on the white noise from our phones to help her sleep. When I held Eva that night I tried to hold her close to my face- shushing in her ear the way I had seen Shea put her to sleep. I can remember how I was starting to get so upset because she wasn't able to hold her own baby. I kept thinking about how she would never get to do this again. While all of these thoughts ran through my head- there was still hope. I was still hopeful that maybe- just maybe they would see some sort of brain activity in the tests they would run tomorrow. Maybe it would take months or years of rehabilitation but she would be alive- she would be here with us.
Lindsey
I fell asleep crying and woke up very early doing the same. In the morning you have to remind yourself of everything that happened the day before. The reality of it is absolutely horrible. It's Iike you're finding out for the first time all over again. I talked to Mrs Cindy that morning, I had been keeping in touch with her about how everything was going. Cindy has a strong and AMAZING relationship with God, something that I pray I will have too. She told me something so incredible that morning. Cindy said last night she had an overwhelming sadness come over her, she stopped and prayed and asked the Lord if Shea was with Him... he said to her " she's in my hands". With tears running down her face she prayed and asked the Lord to help our family through this difficult time and to cover us with HIS love. The Lord told her to prepare to minister to our family, She said she prayed for the Lord to help her and show her what to do, to give HIS words of comfort that can only bring HIS peace to everyone who loved Shea. The Lord said to her "I will show you Shea's heart" she asked how? and he said to her "I will share with you her words"
How absolutely AMAZING! So amazing that you can barely believe it, and to be completely honest, at the time I didn't understand it, but my confidence in Cindy made me trust her! I had complete assurance that she was telling me the truth whether I truly understood it or not. She has dedicated her life to serving God through helping others and because of her strong unwavering relationship with HIM she now has the Holy Spirit so alive in her. So many questions ran through my head, my knowledge about God was so small and I had really never heard much about The Holy Spirit at all. I thought to myself...
Is this something only certain people can hear?
Probably only super Godly people... right?
How do we know this is truly Shea's heart that HE is letting us hear?
What does The Holy Spirit even sound like?... Is it an audible deep voice that just comes loudly into your mind?
What else can The Holy Spirit tell me?
How else does The Holy Spirit speak to me?
How else does The Holy Spirit help me?
I thought it was a very special gift from God that only certain SUPER Godly people can have ....to actually hear from HIM, and to feel the presence of HIM. but I was so wrong. Since then i've learned so much more about The Holy Spirit. I've learned we can all hear and feel HIM. You don't have to be a perfect person and the Bible reassures us of that over and over. That's the amazing part, God has given all of his believers this precious gift but we have to learn how to listen, how to still our mind and truly hear HIM! When you are saved you are sealed with the Holy Spirit but the more of yourself that you give to HIM the more you are FILLED with it! And the stronger this gets for me the more addicted to it I am! I want more and more of it because it's so amazing. I wonder why I haven't heard about this before? Maybe I wasn't paying attention? The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, who empowers, convicts, guides, and comforts all believers! HE speaks to us in so many different ways, we just have to pay attention! I truly feel if we have The Holy Spirit present within us and we can go to HIM for all of our comfort, concerns and strength then we literally have everything we will ever need. The more people I talk to about it the more I learn that so many have never heard of this and I hadn't either till this point in my life. I don't know if every church believes it and teaches it, to actually hear from HIM? but I have had enough confirmation for myself that I definitely believe! Moments in the day when I find complete stillness and silence I quiet my mind and talk with HIM. I feel HIS love and comfort and I hear him speak to me in a still small voice. Through my suffering of loosing Shea I have realized I cannot function and be in peace without HIM. I need to be connected with the Spirit every minute of the day, I cannot do it on my own anymore. This has helped give me a deeper heart connection with God and not just the knowledge! I believe God wants a friendship with us, to talk to us daily in a two way communication, to dwell within us! God loves us so much that He sent Jesus to take our place and to die for us. He did this so that we could once again have fellowship with Him. And you don't have to just trust me ! It's in the Bible...
“And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you”
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. ”
I was so intrigued by this! I didn't understand it at all but I still trusted it. I wanted to know everything about The Holy Spirit that lives and sets a fire within each of us...I wanted this amazing gift for myself! I couldn't wait to hear the precious gift that God gave to us! Not hearing from Shea for even just one day was torture. I wanted to know so badly what she was thinking. I wanted desperately to hear from her. Cindy was going to send me everything that she wrote down later on that day.
We got ready and Sara and I headed back to the hospital. They only let visitors be in the room with Shea certain hours of the day so we wanted to get there as soon as we were allowed to go. Eva was still asleep so Cody and Chad were going to bring her once she got up. Mom, dad and Josh slept in the waiting room on the first floor all night, along with all of the other people who had family members in the hospital. We walked through all the halls to get to the waiting room to see if they were still there but they weren't, so we headed up to Shea's room. I had felt at peace most of that morning while getting ready. I think a part of me was still hoping that some kind of miracle would happen today. I didn't let myself believe that it was going to be a horrible day. Once we got to her room we noticed the mood was much different then when we left the night before. Last night I felt like we all had a little hope left in us, but you could tell this morning it was gone.
Dad was seated at her feet with a look of shock and depression on his face. Mom was very upset and still tucking blankets all around her in a manic sort of a way. They had raised her body temperature up the day before to get her very warm but today they were doing something different to her and she literally felt like ice. It was disturbing to feel her hands like that as you held them and when you kissed her face it felt so cold against your lips. Josh seemed shocked and speechless, most of the time I remember him with his hands on his head, trying to process everything. I'm sure a million things were running through his mind. Sara and I stood next to dad rubbing on his back and comforting him. We never saw dad cry but maybe once in our whole life before coming to this hospital and it hurt so bad to see him broken like that.
He told us in a way that you could tell he was still processing it himself ..."the doctor just left, they said we need to take Shea off of the life support." He just stared off- not even looking at us to tell us. We didn't respond we just looked at Shea in shock. It was something I knew was probably coming but I still wasn't ready to hear it yet. Sara's legs gave out and she fell to the ground saying she felt like she was going to faint and I can still hear dads voice of worry as he picked her up with tears rolling down his face crying and saying "oh Sara!"...he sat her on his knees and held her. I went to Shea's bedside and cried and pleaded out loud over her. I was praying to God and talking to Shea at the same time. I asked God to please give Shea a very special place in Heaven and to wrap his wings around her and begged for him to give us his peace about all of this. I told Shea we would take care of Eva! All of us together! We will help Josh as much as he wants! And we would tell her all about her mommy and how amazing and special she was and how deeply she loved her. Then I leaned over and whispered in Shea's ear, everything I felt like I didn't get to say to her before. Things I should have told her daily. And I made promises to her. For only her to hear. Then I kissed her forehead and sat down beside her. We were all quiet, still taking it all in and thinking about a hundred different things at the same time.
Sara
In those moments that Lindsey just spoke about- hearing those words from dad, that our big sister was for sure going to die- was like an out of body experience for me. All of a sudden I felt my hands start to shake, my heart beat faster, and my face went flush. My legs gave out and I fell to the floor. It was the craziest feeling- I was just in shock- total shock. I guess I had just held on to the smallest little bit of hope- even though seeing her yesterday I felt she was already gone, Just hearing those words, it was so hard to believe.
It felt like a bad dream. You know the kind you are having and you try to wake yourself up from- you tell yourself this is a dream and then you come out of it. You wake up with your heart racing and realize all is good- all is okay. This wasn't like that. I couldn't wake myself up from this... I couldn't fix this or make it better.
As dad picked me up off the floor and sat me on his knee- I suddenly felt like a 4 year old little girl again. Being put on her daddy's knee because she was hurt or upset and he makes it all better. I sat on his knee with my head buried into his shoulder. He rubbed my back and patted me.. we just cried. The room was so quiet- just the sound of us crying. I am sure if you could jump inside our minds - it wasn't as quiet. My mind was going from disbelief and utter shock. Thinking about planning our big sister's funeral then to mom and dad and how they would bury their own child- so many thoughts and memories. I just kept saying her name over and over again in my head.
As Lindsey and mom whispered sweet love to her, I watched them lean over her, almost hugging her shoulders and chest- trying to be as close to her as they could. When they were finished, I stood by her side- holding her hand. I had to work my hand into it as it was much more firm and so cold. Shea always had the daintiest little hands- nothing like me and Lindsey's long fingers, but they looked so swollen and different now. As I stood over her, I talked to her in my mind- telling her how much I love her and how I will love on little Eva and give her lots of kisses and hugs (Shea was a touchy feely person- loved hugs, getting and giving massages, and holding hands) and then kissed her on her hand and cheek. Throughout the next hour, we each took turns whispering our last goodbyes to Shea- trying to stay as close to her as we could.
In honor of Mother's Day, here are some of the precious words that God gifted Cindy with that day. From Shea's heart to her one and only baby girl...
My sweet Eva,
Mommy is sorry how I left you. Momma will always be watching over you. Eva, always share your heart with Daddy, we both love you so much. I love you!!! Never doubt that love as you grow. Listen to your Daddy and when you hear the stories about Mommy, know how much I love you. When you want to know where Mommy is look up to the heavens and know I’m with Jesus and in your heart. When you want to see me look at our picture together and know I am close by. There will be many things in your life you will experience and learn; the one thing Mommy wants you to experience is your relationship with Jesus Christ. One day we all will be together with Jesus. Momma wants you to know it’s the most important decision you will ever make. When the time comes you feel a tug at your heart, its Jesus talking to you, tell Daddy and he will tell you about Jesus. Eva, my little princess you were a gift from God to Daddy and me and always know how much we love you.
-Love Momma
