Over the past two weeks, we have shared what happened in the first few hours after learning Shea was found unconscious. At this point on August 24th, we have both made it to Chattanooga, to find out what has happened to our big sister. Together, we would like to share what happened to us after arriving at Erlanger Hospital that day...
Lindsey
My parents and Sara made it to the hospital first, then we pulled up shortly after. I walked in the ER and someone led me to a room right off the waiting room. You knew it was the kind of room you didn't want to be in. The kind of room where they put families when they need to tell them something very bad and they don't want them to cry in front of everyone. We all hugged each other tight and cried. I was so glad Josh and Eva weren't alone anymore, they had their family there now.
Not long after arriving the doctor who did Shea's surgery walked in, behind him was a chaplain.. which made my heart sink and my stomach hurt . We knew what he was going to say since he brought him and the doctor wasn't in surgery very long. He explained what he did and said it went like he thought it would.... which meant not good. Dad looked at him, with his voice cracking and tears welling up in his eyes he asked him "are you sure you tried everything you possibly could?" The doctor started to tear up, you could tell this was weighing so heavy on him too, all the pressure. He said most doctors would have never even attempted this surgery on a patient as critical as Shea but when he saw her little baby in Josh's arms he knew he had to at least try.
Sara
As we all sat in that room with the doctor, we learned that Shea was found unconscious because of brain aneurysm. He explained that this was caused by a tumor that had grown so fast and so aggressively. I had so many questions, but I only asked him one, "Was this from the same cancer she had?" He answered yes- it was just too aggressive. This was something none of us ever even thought could happen, especially after her hysterectomy, the 18 treatments of chemo and 40 doses of radiation- we thought it was gone for good. We were just celebrating that she was a cancer SURVIVOR only a month and half ago. Shea had written in her blog on July 7th about what it meant to her to be a survivor...
“Tonight, all I can think about and feel, down to my core, is GRATITUDE.
I don’t think I’ve been so relieved… possibly ever. I can finally exhale.”
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”
I can still hear the doctor's voice when he said it… “Shea is going to die from this.” I could tell he was shaken, he was having a very hard time telling us this- he was upset too. I can still remember looking at his hands- thinking about the surgery he had performed, trying to save our sister. I can also remember looking at his wedding ring- wondering if he imagined this could have been his young wife and he should try everything to save her.
Dad spoke up first as we were all in disbelief. Through his tears he managed to ask the doctor, “are you sure?” The doctor shook his head yes. The room was silent- only the sound of crying. Shortly after, sweet daddy thanked him for trying everything he could to save his Shea.
As I sat there I thought to myself, "this couldn’t be real- this couldn't be happening. I had just seen her the night before doing a senior photo shoot on the farm. I wish I would have ran outside and hugged her instead of watching from my kitchen window. I wish I would have told her I loved her one more time."
Lindsey
We all just wept and starred off in disbelief. No one knew what to do, how to handle this, how to act, how to respond. You never really think it will happen to you or someone you love. We were in shock just going through the motions of what we knew we had to do. With tears falling down her face my mother asked when we could see Shea, she said "I want Shea to hold her baby one last time". He said they were working on getting Shea stabilized. She was on life support but they were having trouble keeping her alive. We wanted to get to her immediately... before it was to late.
We had no idea what to expect..what she was going to look like? What kind of room she was in or any idea if she would last till we got to her? A man walked us through the hospital down many long halls and turns. I can remember walking past so many people and I thought to myself, they have no idea!!! ...we just found out my sister is braindead! on life support! and they have no clue! ..just nicely smiling at us as we walked past them. You never know what someone else is going through. I think about that all the time now. When I see or hear about someone that maybe I would have judged before, maybe they wouldn't have smiled back or maybe someone that was rude to me. And the countless other reasons for why we all judge each other. We have no idea what other terrible trials people are going through everyday!
They took us to the double doors entering the ICU and said a nurse would come get us once they have her stabilized. They told us to have a seat in the waiting room just around the corner, but of course we didn't. All seven of us sat and stood right at the double doors. We didn't want to miss a thing and we couldn't stand the thought of not seeing Shea any longer. I can remember just standing at the doors hugging my dad tight, for the longest amount of time I've ever held him in my whole life. We just waited and waited, Eva was such a blessing during the entire terrible hospital experience. Anytime we all started crying too much or getting too depressed she would laugh and play tricks with her tongue trying to get our attention. It was like she knew we needed her to lift our spirits.
But it was also very bittersweet, we all loved watching her and playing with her, but while you did you also thought about how her mother will never get to do that again in this life on Earth. It made your thoughts go so far, thinking about everything in Eva's future that Shea will not get to see, how unfair and cruel it is that we get to experience those moments and her mother does not, but at the same time your thanking God that he left us a piece of Shea. God left us the absolute most precious gift that Shea could ever give us.
After feeling like it took forever a nurse finally told us we could come back and see her, probably only because they were tired of my mom harassing them every time the doors opened. We all started to head through the ICU to see Shea with Eva in our arms as they stopped us, telling us that babies weren't allowed. You've got to be kidding! Didn't anyone tell them the situation, we thought? I thought my mother might just hurt someone at that moment. She cried and shouted and begged. " I want her mother to hold her one last time! Her mom is on a life support machine!!" she said. You could tell they understood then, they all scrambled to get permission for Eva to get back there and I noticed a few of the nurses wiping their own tears. After just a minute they agreed to let it go this time and we kept going down the hall. We got to Shea's room, I was scared to go through the door, scared of what I might see. But at the same time desperately needing to see and touch her.
We go inside her room, it's the type of sight that makes your knees weak and makes you cover your mouth and loose your breath for a second. Your heart is so heavy you can barely handle it without breaking. At first, I just starred at her in disbelief, she looked so fragile with all of the monitors and wires and tubes. I was nervous to touch her and mess something up. She didn't look like Shea to me. She was lifeless. The beautiful light and sweet spirit of Shea was not in this body. Thinking back now I realize more that our souls and our body's are two very different things, it was her soul and bright spirit that made Shea so beautiful inside and out, not her outer shell. She had bandages and gauze on the right side of her brain from the surgery , her head was mostly wrapped up. She had tubes coming from the sides of her neck and it was causing it to swell. I could tell they had to shave the right side of her head- I knew Shea never really cared about losing her hair too much. She was never a vain type of person like her hairstylist sister. But it made me sad to see that, we had just colored her 2 inch long hair for the first time the week before and it made me think about how she was excited to get back to feeling like her old self again.
Sara
Walking down the hall to Shea's room was such a surreal feeling. I can remember seeing the nurses standing in the hallway and near her door- watching our family walk down as some of them started to cry and put their heads down. I think it may have been seeing Shea and Josh's baby girl come down the hall, or maybe the fait they knew we were walking into- but I could tell their hearts hurt for us too. I turned and walked into her room- nurses were swarming the room with bags of fluids, cords, machines- talking to one another about what needed to be done. But with all of the commotion going on- all I could see was Shea. She was lying there, so lifeless, she looked so different. I knew she was gone- this was not her. She was so full of light- her cheeks always a little pink, and her eyes- so beautiful. I wanted her to open her eyes, to see her smile, to say something- to do the classic hand wave and say HEY… but she didn’t.
What I thought was awful-having to drive all the way to Chattanooga, was actually such a blessing- this was a time when I was glad we were away from everyone. I didn't want anyone else to see her like this- to remember her any other way than full of life. What a blessing that seclusion was.
Lindsey
We all crowded around her in her tiny room with all the big monitors and machines and many nurses keeping her alive. I think we all needed to see her badly, though it's a memory I don't want to remember her like. My mother couldn't get close enough, just about laying on top of her, nose to nose, her own tears falling on Shea's face, continuously tucking the blankets around her over and over. She would wet some napkins and wipe the little dots of blood left on her face from the surgery. Her skin felt so cold, her hands and face didn't feel like Shea. Mom wanted to warm her up so badly and kept asking for more and more blankets, she just wanted to take care of her. We all held her hands and prayed over her as ours tears dropped onto the blankets covering her.
The doctor came in to see if we had any questions and explained a little more about the surgery. He showed us an X-ray of the large tumor on her brain. We asked him anything we could think of but you could tell we didn't have any knowledge about this or knew what to even ask, you could tell no one wanted to ask him the scary questions yet. My dad tried to keep it as positive as he possibly could, maybe for my mother and us girls and Josh?.. or maybe for himself? I could tell he wanted to only think of how there's a tiny chance she might could be ok. It made me so sad for him, but I knew he was the type to always search for the good in something. Her doctor was very sweet, you could see he was hurting for us. It was reassuring to know that even with everything he must see on a daily basis that he still had a heart for us. He would get teary eyed whenever my dad talked to him. He could tell dad wanted to hear good things and there just wasn't much good to say at this point...but he tried, saying "yes right now her levels are steady" or "this number here is looking much better" pointing to the monitor. And dad would look at my crying mother and say "see bubba?! Shea's a fighter!" ...It broke my heart.
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.”
While the doctor was in the room lots of nurses were in there maybe 4 or 5 trying to get her stable. Most of them were so sweet and working so hard on my sister but there was one I'll never forget.. she came in in the beginning and the doctor asked her for a certain bag of fluid that Shea was out of...the nurse replied saying with a smart tone, "isn't that a waste? that one is expensive!" The doctors face turned red, he knew Sara and I heard her and he said quietly but sternly "she needs it! That doesn't matter!" The nurse knew Shea wasn't going to live with that bag or without it. She was in her own world laughing and dropping stuff, not at all being considerate of us. I still wish I would have said something to her but I didn't. She never came back in that room, hopefully because the doctor wouldn't let her. The rest of the nurses were all so kind and considerate of us and what we were dealing with. You could tell they understood how much we loved and adored Shea.
Sara
That moment- that nurse- still remains etched in my mind today- I can see her now and not for any good reasons. When the doctor looked over and knew Lindsey and I had overheard what had just happened- I could see the embarrassment in his eyes. I couldn't imagine talking about the cost of something at a time like that- in front of a family trying to process the death of their sister, wife, daughter. My heart sank. How could she be so cold- to question the use of something that Shea needed to possibly live. I think back to that moment and I wish I would have said something, but in my sadness and honestly- overwhelming confusion of what all was happening to my big sister- I didn't. I hate to remember that one nurse- when there was a huge team of incredible nurses and doctors that did everything in their power that day to try and save Shea- to give us hope. I still want to know what God wanted me to learn from that- wanted me to see or do…
Lindsey
Josh's mom and brother and a few of his friends made the drive also, to come and comfort him and see Shea. His mom has a sweet demeanor about her and she is a very quiet lady, maybe because anytime us three girls were around her we never gave her many moments to chime in with all our craziness. Shea would tell me how they talked on the phone every day and she had just moved to Clarksville in the past month or so to be closer to him and her new grand baby. I had never spoken to her much or gotten to know her on a deeper level, but as I was in Shea's hospital room with her she held me in the sweetest way and we both just cried. I could feel her hurting as well. At that moment I could tell how she loved Shea very deeply too.
"Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
The rest of that day we took turns going in and out of the room with Shea. We were only suppose to have 4 visitors in at a time and sometimes they would ask us to leave so they could run a test to check for brain activity. While waiting to get back in the room with her we would glance at our phones, we all felt a huge outpouring of love and prayers and sweet messages for us and Shea. It was comforting to know we had so many people that truly cared and so many people "praying big" prayers for her, but it also made this whole situation very real since everyone else was finding out too.
Although the drive felt like it took an entire day I was selfishly thankful Shea was in the hospital in Chattanooga. I know how many people felt like they wanted to see her or come comfort us, but at that point with Shea being so extremely critical, I didn't want anyone to see her like that, to remember her Iike that. She was so vulnerable and I felt very protective of Shea and about who got to go to her room. These were the last hours to minutes of her life, we had no idea how much longer she had, so each person that got to have time with her got those last precious moments. I know now that it was a blessing for us that it was not closer to home. I don't know how we would have handled that with how many people love Shea so much.
Sara
I think back to that time in the hospital room and I wonder what Shea saw. At that time, her heart was still pumping because of a machine- honestly, I feel like she was already gone. Her body looked so different- it seemed so lifeless and cold, not like Shea at all. Experiencing this really makes me wonder about what happens when a person goes to be with the Lord- what do they see and feel? What was Shea experiencing? Was she standing with us- rubbing our backs and consoling us as she would have? Did she see mom laying over her body, sobbing and crying out her name? Did she see her sweet girl, her and Josh’s beautiful baby, sitting on the bed by her legs? Did she see her husband gazing over her with so much love and hope for their future? Did she see her daddy sitting in the chair by her feet, staring at his "sweet pea"? Did she see her little sisters, looking down at their best friend in shock and disbelief?
“When I awake in Heaven I will be fully satisfied for I will see you face to face.”
When we pass away, are we able to see our bodies- to see our loved ones grieving over us as we transition from this world into the next? I think if Shea saw us crying over her- she would have wanted to tell us that she was okay- not to worry because our God was holding her- consumed by his love and complete peace.
