Sara
My mind had started thinking about this day while we were sitting in the hospital with Shea- thinking about her funeral. I guess my thinking is very task oriented.. Especially when I am in a place where I am trying to avoid emotions. Over the past couple days we had all been so busy working to get everything organized and prepared for this day and here it was. Waking up that morning of the visitation was such a surreal feeling- like it wasn’t really happening. We had all been talking and planning every detail of this day and now it was happening- it was real- we couldn’t change it or stop this. Early that morning I walked outside to the place of Shea’s burial- I couldn’t believe my big sister would be there. The farm was still so quiet. A large piece of wood and a tarp covered the hole that her casket would be lowered into. I stood there at the fence staring at this place in just disbelief, thinking about what it was going to be like to watch them lower her into the ground, to put dirt on her casket.. thinking what would it be like without her? I couldn’t quite figure out how I felt..there was still shock and sadness, devastation, anger, anxiety.. You name it. One moment I would be so worried about all the details- questioning if everything would come together for the funeral- would the video work, would her makeup still look okay.. Is the house clean enough for the dinner after her burial.. where did I leave that key… . what will it be like to see all these people.. How will the family react to seeing her. My mind was just filled full- I didn’t feel like I could handle anything else- there was no more room for any more feelings, or thoughts, or decisions. I felt anxious about getting the church ready for the visitation. A part of me wanted to hurry up and get there- to start preparing, but then another part of me want to crawl back into bed- for this day not to happen.
Lindsey
The day of the first visitation was here, I couldn't sleep much and woke up crying and reminding myself of her death all over again like I did the other mornings. I was so so nervous and anxious of how all of this would go. I'm not a social butterfly, I think I use to be at some point in my life but as I get older I tend to become more and more of a homebody and the thought of talking to people I didn't know literally gave me knots in my stomach. I wasn't a touchy-feely type, Shea and Sara would always group hug me really tight because they knew it just wasn't my thing....I would give anything to hug her now though. How in the world will I do talking and hugging hundreds of people all day long? I continuously prayed/ talked to God to please help this day to go well, help me to not be awkward. I remember thinking how I need to be like Shea today...she was so warm and welcoming to total strangers and so good at talking to anyone. Anytime we all went to a function together I would tell them not to leave my side, I knew they would do all the talking and I could just stand there. I need to be like her today, "God please help me to be just a tiny bit of how Shea was, and God... these people are hurting too, help me to say the right thing to them and console them and tell them how much Shea loved and cared for them too". I knew some of them really needed to hear it. I wanted to give them a meaningful hug with warmth and kindness like she would have. Sara and I got to the church early, we wanted to see Shea in her casket first, to make sure everything on her looked right before mom got there. We were nervous for what mom would think, that was the first day she had seen her since she passed and we knew she didn't really look like the Shea we remembered, but it was as close as possible. We were worried it might upset mom too much to see her looking "different".
Sara and I walked in the large church, the lights had not been turned on yet. We went down a long center aisle seeing Shea in her casket at the very end. She was completely all alone in this dark room. I felt overwhelmed to say the least. Angry, shocked, sad, complete disbelief seeing her in this setting. We are at our sisters funeral! But still it hadn't really hit me, I was still in a busy fog. And it still didn't seem real. We adjusted her clothes and Sara touched up her makeup. We stood there just staring at her for a minute. Neither of us really felt what was actually happening. I believe your heart and head don't take it all in for a long while. If they did I think you would instantly break from being overwhelmed with grief. I believe God helps you handle it all very slowly with time.
Sara
As we stood there together in the church, it was the three of us again. The room was so quiet and dark. I thought about what it was like for the funeral home to place her body into that casket and bring her to the church. I stared at her face, her shoulders, and her hands- I wanted her to sit up so badly- to open her eyes.. look at me.. talk to me. Wake up Shea! I wanted to see her eyes and hear her voice. I wanted to go back to seeing her the night before she passed away out on the farm- I felt so guilty- I had watched her walk through the backyard after a photoshoot, talking to her clients and leave- she waved at me through the window and I wish so badly that I would have ran outside and hugged her.. told her I loved her one more time. My heart was hurting so badly- how were we going to stand here for the next several hours and do this? How would we get through this? My mind went to what it was going to be like for the family to see her- for Kinsley and Mack to see her. It was too much... I wiped away my tears and refocused on her, not how I felt, but what needed to be done. I smoothed out her lipstick, sprayed her with her Honeysuckle spray again, and tried to help Lindsey get the church set up- I needed to think about something else.
Lindsey
They started bringing in all the flowers, there were so many beautiful arrangements people sent and we spent SO much time setting them just perfectly around Shea and the church. A few of Shea's friends started to show up, seeing them see her for the first time was so hard and still stuck in my memory. They didn't see her in the hospital or at the funeral home when we got her ready, they went from seeing her happy and vibrant and loving to laying in her casket. I can't imagine their shock inside, but I could see it on their face and their body as they cried with their hands covering their mouth walking slowly towards her down the long aisle, some of them would stop half way down the aisle and just stare at her crying. I could tell their heart didn't seem to be taking it all in either. We were all still in such disbelief. We asked them how it felt to see her, did it help or make it worse because she didn't look like herself. But they said it helped, to see that she was actually gone, to get some sort of closure from that.
I can remember lining up getting ready to open the doors to let everyone in and I felt so sick to my stomach, I wanted more time, I didn't want it to start yet. I could see the people crowding up behind the doors. I put Cody at the front of the line so he could do more of the talking and help me. We opened the doors to let everyone in. For me it was the most outer body experience..I see everyone coming up to me crying and a tiny part of me is almost like "oh gosh they are so sad! This is serious!" It totally had not hit me at all! I even remember smiling and being able to laugh with certain people... it's like I had no clue what was actually happening. There were only a handful of people I cried with and I can still remember each of them. I thought I would be an emotional mess the whole time, but it was actually very hard to cry, one person you know and you feel the weight of their sorrow and then the next person you don't know at all so you go through the whole introduction process which completely takes away all the emotion. There were so many people I didn't even know. But each person that came through that I did know- it's like my mind would flash with the memories I had of them and Shea together and my heart would break for them. I would think of different sweet things Shea had told me about them. For our cousins, I pictured them young and old and how we grew up around each other. I knew how much Shea deeply loved them and I could see the pain in their eyes. Then her friends, I would picture seeing them with Shea, working with her or laughing, dancing, having meaningful conversations with her. My heart would feel what I knew they were feeling because I saw some of their relationship with my own eyes, I heard from Shea about things they had talked about and how much she loved and cared about them. Close friends and family stayed and sat in the pews watching as the line of people came by to hug us. I remember checking on them constantly, looking over watching their faces, worried about how they were handling it. They looked so drained and in so much shock, just a blank face trying to hold in all the emotion but I could see it building up behind their eyes. Throughout the day I would look down at the rest of my family, some seemed like me ...totally not feeling what was happening, but my dad stuck out to me. I would see him stop in between people or whenever he got a break and he would just lean on the casket and stare at her..I saw so much sadness and pain in his eyes, but he didn't break down, he was trying so hard to hold it together. I remember my mom looking okay which shocked me! In my head I thought for sure that she would be laid out in the middle of the floor screaming and beating on the ground. To me her face looked mad and sad all at the same time. Maybe mad at God? or maybe mad at all these people? ....because most of them get to go home and live a normal life with their children alive? She would disappear, taking breaks and getting away from everyone. In those moments I usually went and stood by dad.. I felt so protective of him.
Before all this happened I was the type to go to a visitation, walk through the line and I would stand as close to Cody as possible, I would be a nervous wreck thinking the whole entire time I was in the line about what in the world I was going to say to the family and then the instant i got to them I would break down crying and they would end up consoling me, or I would dodge the family completely hoping Cody would just talk so much they wouldn't even notice me standing there with him! I hated them, I was so awkward and had no clue what to possible say? During Shea's visitation I could see the people that were just like me. They seemed so nervous to say the wrong thing, I tried to make it easy for them cause I knew how anxious they must have been. Others were so graceful with it, or bawling so hard they couldn't even speak... everyone handles it so different. When I go to visitations now I think totally different..it's not about me or what "perfect thing" I will say to them when I get to the front of the line, now I just feel so sad for them...I know what's ahead for them down the road. The pain and uncontrollable tears that will almost suffocate them if they let it. I think about one question everyone asks after going to a visitation or funeral.. "how did the family seem?" I know now that question is totally useless ....I believe they may seem okay but they are usually not..it has not truly hit them yet, they are just going though the motions and months later when the cards and phone calls slow down, thats when it's hits you the hardest.
There's one thought that comes in my mind now ever since going through this...what will people come through the line and say about me at my funeral? For some reason I think about this a lot now... and I feel like it has changed the way I talk to most people. What do I want them to say to my family when they come through that line? What kind of legacy do I want to leave?...She was so sweet? Fun? Joked around a lot? ...Old Lindsey would have never even thought like this but now I want people to come through and say something with more substance to it, I want my life and the way I live to make a stronger impression on someone else. What if they said "she talked to me about God" I mean think about it.... what more could you want someone to say? Isnt that the most important thing you can have a conversation with someone about? I think that shows how you care about that person..to talk to them about something so deep and so meaningful. It's easy to have the surface conversations. It takes no real effort to gossip or to talk about what "thing" Im going to buy next, but to go deeper into something that might really help someone draw closer to God, that takes a little more guts to bring up in any old conversation. Whether it's someone teaching me something new or me passing on what I've learned to someone else I can feel my conversations being drawn to that direction now. I crave to talk about Him and that's something I never felt before. After shea passed every word she spoke turned to gold for me. Everything she said to me- good or bad, is now embedded in my mind because it's all I have to hold onto. What words that I am speaking now will make a lasting deeper impression on someone when I am gone? What will I be remembered for?
Sara
Standing in that line, hugging each person that came by to say goodbye to her, or to comfort one of us- it was the weirdest feeling. We are all standing there on each side of her casket, shaking hands or hugging people we know, people we don't know but knew Shea, family, and friends- It was so sad to see the pain in their eyes, their heartache and grief. Some people had a funny story to share about Shea and it would make us smile, some shared their favorite memory they had with her and what they would miss most about her, and then most people- just shook their heads and hugged us- they had no words. Chad stood beside me and at times I would have to turn and lay my head on his shoulder- there were so many emotions.
Some of the people that I remember coming were men from dad's work. Dad has worked in Nashville at a glass plant as an electrician for over 40 years. Shea, Lindsey and I have heard lots and lots of stories about his job and all the funny things he likes to do there- jokes he will play or things he will say, but we have never been there, but during the visitation that day, I can remember those men coming through the line, introducing themselves and telling us they work with our dad. They knew all about us- they had heard about his three girls. Lindsey and I were so touched by all the men from his work that came down to shake his hand- to tell them how sorry they were- to show another side of them he probably didn't see at work. They came as fathers, brothers, uncles, or grandfathers- not as a coworker that day- but as his friend. I tear up now thinking about that because I don't think he expected them to come at all, but I watched his face as they would meet him in line- it meant so much to him- so much to all of us.
When I think about all the different people that came through the line it is overwhelming- all the people who loved her. Professors and teachers who taught her, clients who had their most special moments captured by her, friends from childhood, high school, and college, friends from her small group or bible studies, photographers who shared her same passion, children who have had all their pictures taken by her, family that has known her since she was born, or people who read her blog, but had never met her... the impact was incredible- the light she radiated was contagious and her love for others was very obvious that day. That was so comforting- to know we were not alone in our grief. We were not alone in the void that was left in our hearts. Before the visitation, Lindsey and I had talked about how we wanted to tell each of these people how much they meant to her, how much she loved them- how much she cared for them. We want to tell you how much Shea loved talking about you- she would share the thoughtful notes, cards, or "happies" (as Shea would call it) you sent her, the fun things you did together or places you went, the different ways you supported and encouraged her. How would we share all of that with you in just a few seconds as you walked through the line? We wanted to make sure that each person knew how special they were to Shea, but in our grief or just shock we may not have been able to get that out- to tell you as you hugged us that day. We want to you know how much your relationship or friendship with Shea means to us- we will never know all the different ways you helped her or perhaps the ways she helped you, all the different ways you made her smile or laugh, the intimate conversations you had, or all the sweet words you said to her- but we thank you. Honestly, thank you for loving our big sister, our Shea Shea.
