Lindsey
On the first night we got home after Shea passed I text Cindy and told her we would love for her speak at Shea's service and that I wanted her help because Sara and I would love to speak also, but I knew it was too late and she was probably sleeping. I was completely drained, I laid down and a million things were rushing through my head. Surely this is not my life now. How in the world will we all get through this? I prayed and begged Shea to speak to me and give me signs of how she wants all of this to go and I asked God for his peace. It sounds so silly to me now, but at that point in my faith I didn't understand that I should have been praying and asking God for that instead. On this earth I looked up to Shea's faith so much that when she was gone I was still looking to her for guidance. I cried myself to sleep knowing the next morning I would be going to the funeral home.... around 1am I woke up again and just laid there thinking. Sara and I wanted to speak at Shea's service very badly, but we had no clue what we would say. Nothing seemed good enough and speaking in front of groups of people is one of my biggest fears- I would do it for Shea though. I looked over and saw my phone light up and it was Mrs. Cindy. She said that she was sleeping when she woke up and felt like God wanted her to go check her phone. That's when she saw the message about me asking her to speak at the funeral. I was so glad she was awake, my mind was starting to panic. I asked Cindy to tell me what she thinks Shea would want me to say and looking back at our messages from that night, again I see how I should have been asking God what HE wants me to say. Cindy tried so hard that night to explain to me over and over to trust God and how He is right there with me, how He longs for me to depend on Him and trust Him. She told me how I need to pray and ask for His guidance and His words, but I couldn't really grasp what she was saying. I was so focused on Shea and saying what SHE wanted me to say. I wanted to learn how to hear from God, but I didn't understand it and even think that I could? I've never really heard about this before... Isn't that something for someone very special and gifted? Not just everyone? Cindy is one of my spiritual mentors, I didn't realize it then how badly I needed her to guide me. What a blessing from God! At a time when my faith and understanding was so small and immature I needed help knowing how to pray and talk to God and how HE can truly help me in return and I needed someone to answer all of my small silly questions with no judgement towards me. I needed help and guidance towards HIM. I didn't know how to depend on only God, but at this point I had no other choices, no other way out of everything I was feeling. It sounds terrible but I really didn't know how much God could do for me, how he could heal me and strengthen me with the power of the Holy Spirit.
“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
She suggested that I get out my feelings by writing a letter to Shea. So many thoughts ran through my head and I began bawling again, so bad that I thought I would wake up Halli who had slept with us that night. I got up and went to Halli's bed and Cody came not long after because he could hear my sobbing. He was so worried about me being pregnant- I was laying on my side with my legs curled up to my chest, crying out loud in a way made me gasp for air and shake my whole body, I couldn't control it. It felt like I was drowning in grief. He had already called my Obgyn the day before asking about what medicines I could take to calm me down. He begged me to please try to stop and stay calm, but I couldn't help it, the hurt in my heart was so deep that I had to let it out. Almost 2am now he got some clothes on and headed to the store to pick up some medicine the doctor had told him about. Cindy was still messaging me and once I told her Cody went to get me medicine because I couldn't calm down, she called. She talked to me for so long, at least an hour or more, in the middle of the night... I was so upset about loosing Shea and stressed about what I would say at the service in front of all those people. She explained that Shea knows my heart and she wouldn't want anymore added stress on us or the babies. I didn't have to do that for everyone to hear, I can just tell Shea. Cindy began to pray over me, for God to calm me and fill me with His peace, for the spirit of grief, anxiety, and fear to leave me.
Father, in Jesus name I pray your loving arms would wrap around Lindsey. Pour your love in the deepest part of her heart. Father God she desires to hear from you. I stand in agreement with her in Jesus name
Father in the name of Jesus I renounce the spirit of grief and I command it to go in Jesus name
Father in the name of Jesus I renounce the spirit of anxiety and I command it to go in Jesus name
Father in the name of Jesus I renounce the spirit of fear and I command it to go in Jesus name
She continued to pray and my pain inside was beginning to go away, the sobbing stopped and I slowly felt calm again, I could literally feel HIS peace coming over me. I felt like I had a hold on myself again. Her prayers calmed me, God took it all away! At that time I didn't realize what was happening to me, but now this has happened enough times that I know, the enemy had a tight grip on me and God released me from that. It can be so strong that it's almost suffocating and unbearable! That is not from God and I don't believe he wants us to feel that. When this feeling comes over me I have to try my best to focus completely on God, whether it's through worship, prayer or repeating scriptures, I have to keep my eyes on HIM to get control again. Cody had been back by now for a while and the pills had been in my hand, but I didn't need them anymore. I had never really thought about that before- to turn to God to take those feelings away? I didn't even know that was possible...
“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”
Sara
As Chad and I were on our way home from Chattanooga that same evening, we couldn't help but wonder how we would tell Kinsley and Mack. We called to check on them- to see how they were doing and they were having a great day. Chad spoke to Kinsley on the phone and she was so happy, talking about how much fun she was having and it broke out hearts to think about telling them. We decided that we would wait until the next day to bring the kids home and sit them down to talk to them. Even though I wanted nothing more than to just hold them, kiss on them and tell them how much I loved them; I was in no place to talk to our kids at that point. I wasn't sure what happened myself. I was afraid I would scare them- I was too upset.
When we arrived back in Clarksville, several friends came back to mom and dad's house to check on everyone. Throughout that night mom's friends were there- organizing all the food and taking turns talking to her- rubbing on her back and trying to get her to eat something. I also had two close friends come by to see me. There was lots of hugging- the good kind where you don't let go- you really hold that person close to you. There was lots of crying too. Our friends tried their best to be strong for us- to be a relief after such a devastating past two days, but you could tell they were in just as much disbelief of what had happened as we were. Even though I was exhausted and ready to close my eyes- ready for that day to be over, I was so thankful for the love and thoughtfulness they gave to us that night. I didn't have to pretend to be okay around them, I didn't have to try and smile, be strong or say I am fine. As I sat with one friend that night she began to talk about how my relationship with Shea would still be there- but just different now. She told me "someday you will feel closer to Shea than you did when she was alive." I couldn't imagine that at the time, but I listened to her because she knew this heartache and pain of losing someone so close to her too. I had heard the phrase, "it will get better in time," but I didn't understand how things would ever be okay- ever be better. I feel like life isn't going to get "better" in time. I think we are just going to have to learn how to adapt to our new normal. Our lives we had before August 24th, 2016 will never be the same- there will always be something missing, but I am trying to learn how to fill that void with my relationship with God, with His love and His peace.
“I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: My God; in Him will I trust.”
By the time we went to bed I was completely exhausted. Just emotional drained. I couldn't believe we were home without her- that she was still there at the hospital. The funeral home agreed to come and pick her up immediately- they would drive to Chattanooga to get her body and bring her back to Clarksville. I think she ended up making it back to town around 1 or 2 am. Throughout that first night the house was so quiet. I laid in bed so tired, but couldn't sleep- just restless. The thoughts of what had happened kept running through my head- thoughts about what Shea was experiencing at that moment, how the rest of the family was feeling, how we would plan out the funeral, what it would be like to see her body again.. so many questions. I was making to-do lists in my head of everything we needed to have done to prepare for her funeral. At some point that night, I could hear Chad crying in bed next to me- he loved Shea so much. One of the things Chad misses the most about Shea is her laugh. They had formed a fun brother- sister relationship.. mostly cracking jokes at one another- but all in good spirits! :) I'll never forget the way he held her hands and kissed her forehead as he said goodbye to her at the hospital. That day and the next few days would be some of the first times I would really see him cry- really saw his heart hurt. We really depended on each other for comfort and strength. I didn't have to hold it in or pretend I was okay around him; and I also think seeing how fast someone can be gone, how quickly a day can change- really opened my eyes to how precious our time together is. Throughout that first night- we were both struggling with the shock of what had happened- trying to figure out where we would go from there- how our family would be so different now.
“But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.””
Looking back on this night now, it makes me think about how many other people were doing the same thing as us. The first night we all were faced with the news that Shea was really gone. Shea loved deep and she loved wide. She had been a part of so many people's most precious moments. Their weddings, engagements, births, senior shoots, and then of course the countless number of family shoots she had done. She always had a way of making each person feel so special, so loved. The images she would capture showed that- it showed her heart was fully invested in her work, so joyful. It might have been the way someone's hand touched another, or the look a bride gave her groom on their wedding day, or the way a mother embraced her baby in the first moments of life. She was there to take those most special times and give them to people to keep forever. She had so many special connections and relationships. I can't imagine how many people laid in their beds that night- crying and questioning everything too. Were some people praying to God for peace and understanding, to fully trust Him? Were some people wondering if their prayers just hadn't worked for Shea? Why wasn't she still here? That was one of my biggest fears- that people would think God wasn't listening. I didn't want people to doubt Him or feel angry at God. But to be honest- I wondered why too. I didn't understand either. I didn't know the answer when people questioned why, but what I have come to learn is that I won't understand - I'll never know all of the "hows" or the "whys" for things that happen, but what I can do is have faith in Him- Trust that HE is GOD and He is still good.
On my wrist that day I wore my "LovePrayShea" bracelet- which has two of Shea's favorite verses, one of them being Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight". Those words, "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding," have been repeated in my mind over and over again. I need to and really want to trust him from the bottom of my heart and try not to figure out everything on my own... even still today, when I am feeling unsure about something that has happened, or I can feel the grief of missing Shea take hold of me again- I go back to this verse and others to remind myself to let go- take the weight of this and truly give it to God; and again I submit my heartache, my worry, and my anxiety to Him. This may happen once a day, once a week, or maybe once every hour sometimes, but I have found that the only way I honestly feel at peace is when I ask for it from Him- to calm my anxious heart.
That morning when we were heading to the funeral home, I was worried that people would think their "LovePrayShea"- their prayers- weren't heard, but I thought back to the prayer circle that was held at their home. That beautiful Sunday there was so much love- so much faith rallied behind them. Shea spoke about how she knew "God was present and was so proud of His children" that day. In her own personal blog, Shea described, "the incredible generosity and outpouring of support" that she felt after the gathering....
“This day. Wow. I can’t help but wonder if THIS is what God wants His ‘church’ to look like.
How everyone has blessed us… our cup is overflowing. POURING. There aren’t enough warm and fuzzy words to describe how loved, lifted up and supported we felt this day, and every day since I shared my diagnosis… and still feel today. ”
Lindsey
I woke up early Thursday morning knowing what my family had to do that day. I definitely never pictured us all meeting at a funeral home anytime in the near future to plan a service for one of us. I got there first and Mrs. Cindy was already there. I knew she must have been exhausted from staying up with me on the phone all night because I was too. I can still picture the look on my mom and dad's face as they walked in the funeral home front doors. A look of defeat, scared, depressed, and in complete shock. I looked to them differently, normally it would have been for guidance since they are my parents, but now I felt like they were weak and they needed our help to possibly get through this. They took us back to a room to talk and plan out everything. We were all there but I don't think any of us felt present, it didn't seem real at all. We had to write out her obituary for the newspaper and pick a photo of her. We picked a photo from her wedding day. That was the most beautiful I had ever seen Shea look but it wasn't just the outside, she shined from within. She couldn't have been more happy that day and it truly showed.
The funeral director asked where we would like to bury Shea at and we told him about a cemetery down the road that my grandfather was buried at. He wrote it down then my dad spoke up..."What do you have to do to bury someone on your farm?" Dad had mentioned to us that he would like to be able to bury Shea on the family farm, but had been told that it would not be legally possible. The director asked a few questions and quickly told him we could do that if we wanted to! We were all so shocked. My parents wanted to feel like she was close, right there with us. We all talked about it for a minute and decided she would be buried in her favorite spot, in the buttercup flower field under a very large beautiful hickory tree, right beside the family home that Sara lives in; which is also where my dad grew up, and where Shea got married and later had her baby shower. The cemetery is also in front of my parent's home where we grew up. I thought about how Cody and I had planned to build on the farm later in life and how the spot we have always loved is right by Shea. That means me, Shea, and Sara will be right beside each other. That's something we talked about, living all together on the farm and our kids or grandkids growing up together. It will just be done very differently now. My mother just sat there crying not saying a word. Dad looked at her and said, "Bubba are you crying cause you like this idea or no?" She shook her head yes with tears rolling down her face. We had already been told no, but dad asked anyways, and it turned out to be so simple. We knew it wouldn't be easy for them to see it every single day, but it helps their hearts to feel like she is so close. It was a blessing from God.
Sara
As we talked about the exact location of her grave, right beneath the Hickory tree, dad told us about the importance and meaning of that tree. It had been growing there for hundreds of years and this type of tree was known for its strength and durability. Under that tree, the most beautiful double buttercups grew there each spring. Shea loved that buttercup field, but also the way the fog looked in the mornings on it, and its fence in front of her old house had her favorite gate on it. I thought about how we used to play hide and go seek in those flowers with our cousins. I don't know if it was from being so small, but those buttercups felt huge! Big enough for us to lie down in and be hidden. Throughout the years, picking buttercups was always our first sign of spring. We always picked as many as we could before a frost would ruin them. Its crazy to think about how much can change in a year. The last time the buttercups were out was last spring, Shea and some of her friends were taking pictures of each other and their children. We all thought this next spring would be so much better. We talked about how Shea would be cancer free and no more treatments, and Lindsey and I would be expecting the arrival of our sweet babies. But we had no idea... this time when the buttercups would come again, Shea would be laid to rest beneath them.
“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”
Having the cemetery in the buttercup field is not the only reason this location is so special to me. Almost a year ago at that time, Chad and I had moved into our grandparent's old house on this farm. So many memories were made at that house. This house has so much history and meaning to our entire family, but one of the things I loved most about moving there was how close me and Shea's homes would be to one another. I thought about how thankful I was for the time we had living next to each other. It felt crazy at the time- moving into that house because we weren't planning on that at all. Looking back now I can see how God was really working there. He aligned everything so quickly and unexpectedly, just before Shea would give birth or be diagnosed with cancer. I was able to spend some really special moments with her and we didn't even have to put shoes on to go see each other! I thought about how it might be hard to see the cemetery everyday or how the kids would feel about it, but I didn't want her any other place. I loved the thought of having her beside me; being able to take care of that area for her and the rest of our family that would be there someday. Having her buried there just felt right- one of the first times in those past couple days I actually felt okay about something.
Share your story...
Today we shared a part of our story that you may have experienced too- the grief and heartache in the first hours after losing someone so close. After losing Shea, some shared stories with us on where they were when they found out and the questions they had, or the pain they felt and the scriptures they were turning to for help. If you feel comfortable, we want to hear your story- please feel free to share your heart with what you experienced or felt after losing Shea or a loved one close to you in the comment section below. How did you cope with this loss? Who or what did you turn to for comfort? Or what advice, prayers, or scriptures do you have to encourage others that are grieving the loss of their loved one?