Sara
Throughout that morning at the funeral home, I felt so sick to my stomach just thinking about how we would have to tell Kinsley and Mack about Shea. We would finish up at the funeral home and then go pick them up. I thought about how their hearts would hurt so much for their Aunt Shea Shea. I wasn't sure how they would understand all of this- they thought their Shea Shea was all better now. Kinsley had been to one funeral with me before and she asked lots and lots of questions there. Questions like how does your body get to heaven if its being buried? What does it feel like to go to heaven? What do you look like in heaven? I tried my best at that funeral to explain this to her, but I knew she would still have a lot of questions, especially now having to ask them about her aunt. Being the oldest child in our family, Kinsley understood more of what was happening to Shea, but was still very curious as to what was cancer and how it affected her Shea Shea. We shared some of what Kinsley thought about cancer in one of Shea's blog posts. One of the questions we asked her was, "How did you feel when you found out Shea-Shea had cancer?"
“I was really scared and I didn’t know if she would be okay, but now I believe in her and I know she is going to make it. ”
Kinsley made it a point to try and "take care" of her Shea Shea. I'll never forget the sweet book that Kinsley and her class made for Shea- it was full of the most thoughtful ways that her class wanted to make Shea feel better. She was so excited when she got to bring it to her after school that day. She sat with Shea on the couch as they read through it- reading each child's wish for how they could make Shea feel better. A few days later Shea went in to visit Kinsley's class to thank them and pass out the "LovePrayShea" bracelets to all her little friends- Kinsley was beaming with pride... she was so proud of her Shea Shea.
Kinsley loved walking through our backyard to go visit her when she lived next to us. Shea and her would spend time together coloring, doing puzzles, making crafts, or taking pictures. Kinsley loved being her "model" for photos! She felt like such a big girl to be able to spend the night at their house too! I think it was a nice escape for Shea when she was going through treatments- to be able to color or make crafts with Kinsley. Her and Kinsley were both so creative! Shea could draw just about anything you wanted. Even today, I try to draw my stick people like she did- they always had little heart hands! :) Kinsley loved surprising Shea at her office too- she would bring her the latest painting or coloring, or maybe a batch of cupcakes decorated by herself of course! She was so good at giving Kinsley attention- even in the midst of everything she had to be working on, she always made Kinsley feel so special. Kinsley knew her Shea Shea loved her so much.
Mack was Shea Shea's little birthday buddy. Mack decided to make his debut on Shea's 30th birthday! I always told her I worked the hardest and longest on her birthday present! :) Her and Mack had a special connection from day one. I was lucky that Shea loved a good themed birthday party- from then on we celebrated her and Mack each year with dinosaur, monster truck, or sock monkey parties! Mack loved being able to share his birthday with Shea. We always made sure to have a special cake for her too. I can still remember them sitting together at the kitchen table for her 34th and his 4th birthday.. singing and blowing out their candles together. I never thought that would be the last birthday they would celebrate together. Shea always joked with me that she would take Mack to Vegas for her 51st and his 21st birthday! It didn't matter what month it was, it could have been a week after their birthday, but she would always tell Mack, "its almost our birthday!" and he would get so excited all over again. There are so many little characteristics in Mack that I think he got from his Aunt Shea Shea. One of the things that they both love so much is being rubbed on and hugged. It was on the way home from a beach trip a few summers ago, when Shea and Mack sat in the back of the car together. Throughout those 8 hours Shea taught him the difference between a rub, scratch, or massage! Mack asked her to "massage" him the rest of the way home and of course she did. Ever since then, each night Mack wants his belly or back to be massaged. He will let me know if I am not doing it the right way too! Just like Kinsley, Mack loved to go and visit Shea when we lived beside one another. His favorite thing to do was to bring her breakfast or snacks! Whenever we would make something he wanted an extra plate to bring over to Shea! She knew she could count on a couple cinnamon rolls or pieces of bacon each morning!
Kinsley and Mack know their aunts love them so much. I think their closeness and their special bond made what I was going to have to do that much harder. I was going to have to tell Kinsley and Mack that they would have to say goodbye to their Shea Shea and explain how she is in heaven now. I could handle the heartache and pain, but I didn't know how they would. They had never felt this before- the loss of someone so close- they had never had their heart hurt like this before. A part of me was upset that they were having to experience this at such a young and innocent age. The last time I talked to them was on our way to school that morning. When everything was fine, but now so much had changed.
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
Lindsey
It was a blessing and a curse that Halli is the age she is, she doesn't understand what happened to Shea and why she is gone all the sudden and she won't ever remember or know the love from Shea like she should. But through this God has allowed me to see the faith of a child and it's so pure. She doesn't know yet to question why she is gone...She just knows Shea is with Jesus, Jesus is good and she trusts that. We talk often about how she is an angel now and how beautiful and big her wings must be, how Shea is so happy and in complete peace with Jesus now. I don't want Halli to be scared of anyone going to heaven, even though we are left with so much pain and grief here, I believe that it's a blessing and a gift to be able to go there. I didn't always think like that, I always thought before that this world is where I wanted to be and selfishly I want Shea to still be here too, but through her death God has changed my heart and has shown me to not be scared of going to heaven, maybe it helps because I feel like Shea is there? Or maybe because I have had a taste of God's love and peace now, so I can't imagine how much more amazing it is there? I don't want my children to fear it or to be scared when it's my time to go, I want them to know that our God in heaven is good.
I talk about Shea very often, I don't want Halli to forget her and I want her to see what a blessing Shea still is to all of us. Of course it doesn't seem fair that she won't get to experience what a sweet, strong, godly, fun loving aunt she would have had, but I try to think about the impact this has on her and Bella's life now, I am a completely different mom because of her passing. I talk about God with Halli all the time now and I want my girls to know Him and love Him even more than I do. I want them to be so aware of it as they grow up. I want them to not only have the knowledge, but to have a heart for HIM. I want them to love HIM deep. I want them to talk to HIM. To come to HIM when they have troubles because they see their momma do the same thing. I want them to be able to live in His peace and not live for this world. I want them to see that I still love Him through the hard trials and that He is the only one carrying me through.
When Halli wakes up in the morning the first thing she now sees me doing is bible study and "learning about Jesus", and I want both of my girls to do the same with me when they are old enough. This is something she never saw before, yes we almost always went to church on sundays but that was it...I didn't talk about God outside of church much at all and I didn't live for Him daily. Even at a young age I can tell she notices the changes, she will ask me about what I'm doing in the mornings and ask me the sweetest questions about Jesus. I have worship music on constantly in our house or in the car and to see her start to memorize the words and sing along is one the sweetest things. I think it's the most important thing they will ever have in their life. More important than any sport or class or college. Think of all the ways they will need this... it's endless! It's every single day! It will carry them through everything and guide them on the right path if they allow it to. Of course they have a choice and free will for what direction they will take in life but if they are raised in a home that knows Him and loves Him and if they see the benefits that our God gives us daily then I believe they will have a better chance of wanting to follow Him themselves.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Sara
The time came when we sat Kinsley and Mack down together. Lindsey, Chad and I were already in tears just thinking about how we would do this- having to say these words. They were both sitting in a chair together and it hurt me so badly to see how happy they were- they had no idea. I didn't want to do it- I didn't want to hurt them. Telling them about Shea would be their first real heartache and loss. Chad and I sat across from them with Lindsey at the table. I began to tell them that mommy and daddy have been gone because we were in Chattanooga with Shea Shea and the family. I talked about how they knew Shea had been really sick and taking special medicine to get better. They brought up how that medicine made Shea Shea's sickness go away, but it also made her hair fall out. I choked back tears and just had to get it out. In the most gentle way possible, I told them that the medicine didn't work as good as we thought- that Shea Shea wasn't able to get better and that she was in heaven now. Kinsley immediately knew. Tears began flooding down her face. Then, Mack looked over at her and could tell it wasn't good. I went on to tell them that Shea Shea was in heaven now and we wouldn't be able to see her here on earth anymore. I tried to remind them how much she loved them- how she would always be watching over them. Watching them play and go to school, visiting them in their dreams. I told Kinsley that she was the oldest and knew Shea the best- that she would be able to tell her cousins all about Shea and what kind of aunt she was. I told Mack how special his birthdays would be with Shea Shea celebrating with him in heaven.
Kinsley reacted how I would assume a child would- she cried and began to ask questions about where Shea's body was and how was it getting to heaven. She wanted to know if she could still talk to Shea and how she would hear her. But Mack didn't. Our sweet boy got so mad. I don't think he knew what he was feeling- his little heart was hurting so badly and he had never felt that before. He started getting really angry and ran out of the room. Chad and Lindsey stayed with Kinsley and I went after him. He had gone up to his room and was laying face down on his couch. His head was shoved into his pillows and he was screaming and crying. I wanted to take his pain away- I didn't want him to feel this. I picked him up and held him- told him it was okay to cry, it was okay to miss her and be upset. I told him I was too. We stayed in his room hugging each other and crying for the new few minutes. I couldn't imagine how his heart and mind were understanding all of this. Over the next few days leading up to the funeral, Kinsley and Mack were very clingy- they wanted to be near Chad and I at all times. They asked questions about the funeral and what was happening to Shea all the time. They saw me cry a lot- and would always ask me, "are you crying because you miss Shea Shea?" Yes- I miss Shea Shea a lot.
Less than a month after Shea passed away our sweet Mack woke up one morning and ran as fast as he could downstairs. Chad and I were standing in the kitchen and looked at each other, wondering what in the world was he so excited about. It was almost like a Christmas morning sprint down the stairs! He was so excited and had the biggest smile on his face. With the most genuine heart, he asked, " is Shea Shea alive again??"
My heart sank. I went over to him and shook my head no..."Shea Shea went to heaven, she is an angel now." His little head dropped down, realizing she was still gone. Then his head popped back up with the most excited face he said, "oh! It was my dream!! Me and Shea Shea did so many fun things together!! We went outside and played...went swimming together at Mammy and Buba's! We even went over to Coco's to play outside!" At that moment my heart was so happy...I told him Shea Shea came to see him in his dream, that God let her visit him. I loved that he was able to dream about her. I know that it comforted him, to be able to see her again. Sweet Mack talks about his birthday buddy all the time.
There will be times I can't find them outside and I'll look outside my kitchen window to see them playing down at the cemetery. Him and Kinsley both love to "go see Shea Shea" and walk down to her grave to play and spend time. Mack may bring his dinosaurs and play in the grass next to her, or sit in the chairs at her feet and talk to her. Kinsley loves to bring blankets down there and lay- playing with her dolls or coloring. I like to think Shea is watching them from above, enjoying their talks or listening to their stories.
“Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Being down at the cemetery is such a special place for us. I know that it is just her body, her shell beneath the ground- her soul is alive and well in heaven. But there is something calming and peaceful down there. Maybe its the wind chimes, the sounds of the farm, or the way the sunrise looks across the trees. Maybe its being able to sit with her and look over at our houses, where our families and cousins made so many memories growing up. But when I really miss her- when I feel like I need to be close to her, sometimes I'll go down there to talk to her. To just be quiet with her- to listen and pray to God. The cemetery is the first thing I see each day- standing over the sink, feeling the sunrise on my face- I like to think she is saying good morning. The words, "let the Lord's light shine upon you" always comes to mind. Its a gentle reminder to me of God's love for us- it reminds me to take a minute to be thankful, to be more aware of his beauty around us in all those everyday things. It reminds me that He's got her... He's holding Shea ever so close to him in a place of complete peace, joy, and happiness; I pray that one day, when my body is laid to rest in that very same cemetery, that I will be in heaven, experiencing His most incredible love too.
Lindsey
Halli's little heart is so pure, the way she prays and loves Him already is so sweet. One night after praying she asked to see a picture of Jesus so I showed her a picture that I had found before. A little girl named Akiane was only 8 years old when she painted this, her parents were atheist before this little girl started painting but once they heard and saw these visions their daughter was having they became believers too! She had been taught nothing about God and had never seen pictures or drawings but said HE gave her these visions and the gift of painting! Can you believe that? Where else does that come from? That's completely God given! How absolutely amazing. Almost every night Halli would ask to see the Jesus picture that the little girl painted and I would show her. Halli would comment how nice he looks, she would kiss him and tell me how much she loves him. I bought myself a print of this painting and the day it came in the mail I wish you could have seen her excitement!..."is that for me momma!? Thank you so much! That was so nice of you! Can I put this beside my bed?".. it was actually for me but how can you argue with that? How pure and sweet that a 3 year old child loves Him that much already.
“And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Everyday Shea is still teaching me how to be a better mom, I'm learning even more from her now that she is gone. I'm going to try my best to teach them the most important thing they will ever learn and not just by telling them, but by showing them in the way I live everyday. I want them to see their mom live for God.
Just the other day I was in Halli's room with her and Bella and I told Halli how she will have to help me teach Bella about Jesus. Halli's sweet face lit up, her eyes got big and excited, she put her little arm around Bella and showed her the Jesus picture beside her bed and said "this is Jesus! Shea Shea is with Him, He's very nice, He loves you so much and He will protect you!" This is from a 3 year old little girl.... If only we could all be that pure and trusting.
